Oscar The Porcupine Vs. Miles The Giraffe: The Death-Cage Cute-Off


It is on like Kong, people. The ultimate test of Who's Cuter? (Well, besides this guy, of course.)

The website Budget Travel is doing the most important public service ever: Holding another contest to determine who is the cutest zoo baby in America this year. The Houston candidates are pictured above, courtesy of the Houston Zoo -- they are Oscar the porcupine and Miles the giraffe. Being honest, ethical folks, Houstonians can only vote for one.

Quien es mas cuter? Let's compare.


There are videos that must be viewed to make a scientific choice; here's one of Oscar and here's one of Miles.

Sexual Macking
Miles gets busy with a blonde cutie who all but writhes with joy as his supple giraffe tongue explores places Mama never told her about. Oscar gets (very tentatively) held by an equally fetching brunette. Advantage: Miles.

Object of Fascination
For Miles, it's a phallic milk bottle which he sucks with all the slurpy, noisy energy of the early, still-hungry Jenna Jameson. For Oscar, it's a tree. Advantage: Oscar. (Unless, you know, that's your thing, in which case Miles.)

Moment of Ultimate Cuteness in Video
For Oscar, it comes at the 55-second mark of the video, where his wide, innocent eyes display the concentration necessary for a newborn to examine some tree bark, while his hair screams Don King fresh from the salon. For Miles, it's the 10-second mark, where he mistakes his handler's chin for the milk bottle. Advantage: The eyes have it; it's Oscar.

Battle of the Still Pictures
The official photographs are at the beginning of this item -- who comes off better? Unfortunately, neither really has been flattered too much by the camera. Oscar appears to be a black blob with barely discernible eyes, clutching a yellow leaf; Miles is dominated by his big sister and doesn't look all that happy about it. Sorry, but no advantage to anyone here.

Porcupines are never going to be the most huggable creatures, of course. But Oscar shows some loveability with his shy, slow-motion collision with a standing tree. Miles seems interested mainly in his bottle, but he does take some time to nuzzle his BFF. Advantage: A tie.

And overall it's a tie, depending on your fondness for sucking phallic objects.

Maybe Houston will just have to break down and vote for both their native candidates.

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Richard Connelly
Contact: Richard Connelly