Today marks the 175th anniversary of the Battle of San Jacinto, the glorious day when a ragtag Texan army surprised a siesta-enjoying Mexican force and won independence for the Lone Star State.
The battle, fought near present-day Refinery Row out Pasadena way, has become the stuff of legend, at least in Texas. But how well do you know it? Take our quiz and find out.
1. The "Yellow Rose of Texas" was a nickname for: a) Sam Houston's penis b) Sam Houston's penis after his latest bout with syphilis c) It's a sled d) The woman who distracted Santa Anna as the battle began
2. The (seldom-heard) last verse of "Yellow Rose of Texas" says "We'll play the banjo gaily." Does that mean they'll play it like this?
a) Of course b) Only if it involves poppers c) No, jerk-off, "gaily" just meant "happily" back then d) Sam Houston was gay?
3. Which of these things lasted longer than the Battle of San Jacinto? a) Santa Anna's romp with the Yellow Rose b) "Whipping Post" on The Allman Brothers at Fillmore East c) A March Madness game that has 1:52 on the game clock d) JFK's "Ask not" inaugural address
4. The Texans charged into battle yelling: a) "Remember the Alamo!!" b) "Remember how bad John Wayne's Alamo movie sucked!!" c) "Remember how bad Dennis Quaid's Alamo movie really sucked!!" d) "Remember where we parked!!"
5. Santa Anna shed his colorful uniform and tried to act like a normal soldier after the fight. A (pretty dumb) colleague called him "Mr. Presidente," thus alerting the Texans. How did they confirm his identity? a) He was wearing silk underwear b) He was wearing silk underwear that said "Yes is one of my favorite answers" c) He had a fake Texas driver's license in his name from some Sharpstown strip-mall store d) Googled him
6. Only one unit of troops in the Texas army wore actual designed uniforms. They were: a) The Montrose Volunteers b) The Sam Houston Astros, who had a rainbow motif c) The Men's Wearhouse Maulers, who guaranteed victory d) The Kentucky Rifles
7. Fill in the blank: In his official report to superiors on the battle, Santa Anna wrote, "Since weariness and lack of sleep produce drowsiness, I was _____ when I was awakened by commotion and firing. " a) "balls deep in this mulatto chick" b) "listening to Phish's Junta" c) "remembering how I had told my subordinates over and over to watch for a sudden attack" d) "sleeping soundly"
8. A Navy ship named San Jacinto in honor of the battle played a key role in The Trent Affair. What was The Trent Affair? a) What the other members of Nine Inch Nails called their lead singer's solo project, recorded onboard the San Jacinto b) Little-known nautical sequel to Swingers, focusing on the Vince Vaughn character's new Navy career c) Senator Trent Lott praised the racism of Strom Thurmond in an onboard speech d) A very boring Civil War diplomatic dust-up that occurred after the San Jacinto arrested two Confederate officials heading to England to ask for help
9. The San Jacinto Monument is: a) As phallic as you can get b) Just a teeny bit taller than the Washington Monument, because Texans can be assholes c) Currently surrounded by some of the planet's most polluted air that's not part of a Chinese industrial district d) All of the above
10. Henry McArdle painted "The Battle of San Jacinto," which hangs in the state capitol. The State Preservation Board has issued a study guide for seventh graders who see the painting on a visit. It urges teachers to ask students "What theme did the artist avoid?"
What's the answer? a) "Keeping these goddamn illegal aliens outta Texas" b) "Whether Santa Anna was boning the Yellow Rose doggie-style or reverse cowboy" c) "How Texas was legally part of Mexico and the revolutionaries had no right to it whatsoever" d) We don't know -- the answer wasn't provided
And the answers: 1) D, 2) C, 3) B, but C can get awfully close, 4) a, 5) a, 6) D, 7) D, 8) D, 9) D, 10) D
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