Parker Afraid of Dick: Press Release Headline of the Day

The battle over campaign signs has raged since the dawn of time when cavemen running for chief of their tribes would roll boulders covered in chalk-drawn scribblings about how the humps of their opponents were a sign of weakness in battle. In our world today, the more pedestrian matters of signs on public property or signs with objectionable messages seem to be a big deal to campaign workers while the rest of us ho-hum our way through another election cycle.

In this year's city elections, there is the added bonus of a guy named Eric Dick running for city council. Dick has been fairly clever in his application of his phallic-sounding surname, as have those who have chosen to occasionally deface his signage. But, apparently, Dick is pissed about Mayor Annise Parker's pledge to crack down on campaign signage.

In a press release, Dick led with the headline: Parker Afraid of Dick.

After enumerating his points about why he thinks the Mayor would do such a thing, he drops in this lighter-text disclaimer: "I will note that personally I have nothing against Parker or her lifestyle choice. In fact, the Log Cabin has endorsed me. It is my belief that government should be kept out of our personal lives and pocketbooks."

In essence, "Yes, I made a crack about a lesbian mayor and how she doesn't prefer penises, but I got nothing against the gays."

We at Hair Balls are fans of a good double entendre as much as the next guy, but we also like directness, which is why we suggest that next time, Dick just go with "Mayor Parker Prefers Female Genitalia and My Name is a Slang Reference to the Penis and as a Result, I Believe She Dislikes Me." Not as succinct, but probably more accurate.

KEEP THE HOUSTON PRESS FREE... Since we started the Houston Press, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Houston, and we'd like to keep it that way. With local media under siege, it's more important than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" program, allowing us to keep offering readers access to our incisive coverage of local news, food and culture with no paywalls.
Jeff Balke is a writer, editor, photographer, tech expert and native Houstonian. He has written for a wide range of publications and co-authored the official 50th anniversary book for the Houston Rockets.
Contact: Jeff Balke