Christmas is a time for parties, and apparently no one knows more about hard partying than Kris Kringle himself.
You can't blame the man -- anyone facing the pressure of successfully overnighting millions of gifts and checking the goddamn list twice needs to blow off some steam.
And Claus is apparently the guy you want to do it with, if vintage ads are any indication. Dude knows how to bring the supplies that any party needs.
10. Crown Royal Ain't no rotgut for Santa. His workshop is littered with purple sacks.
9. Cigs When you've stared down the Hun across No Man's Land, when you've lost more reindeer to mustard gas than you care to remember, when even a Montmartre whore can't get the awful death screams of elves out of your head, you're entitled to a cigarette, no matter what the damn FDA says about it.
8. Lighter And therefore you're going to need a lighter. Not to mention it'll come in handy around the bong.
7. Loose Women What happens at a Claus party stays at a Claus party, and it usually begins with a little upskirt action.
6. Cups Okay, so they're not 16-ounce Solo cups. You're just going to have to stand close to the keg. Deal with it.
5. Beer And the beer in that keg will be Bud -- none of that Keystone Light crap.
We Believe Local Journalism is Critical to the Life of a City
Engaging with our readers is essential to the mission of the Houston Press. Make a financial contribution or sign up for a newsletter, and help us keep telling Houston’s stories with no paywalls.
Support Our Journalism
4. Jell-O Wrestling Give the ladies enough time to get loose, break out the Jell-O, and start the hootin' and hollerin'.
3. Post Hook-Up Cig Look at Santa's face here -- this is a guy who just got a satisfying blow job from a Jell-O-covered drunk sorority sister after she and her friend gave him some faux-lesbo make-out action. A Lucky Strike, indeed.
2. Imported Beer for the Snobs Rather than endure tired jokes about how American beer is like sex in a canoe ("It's fucking close to water!!" har-har), Claus keeps some imported ale on hand like any good host would.
1. A Nightcap For the afterparty, where you're sitting around trading sophisticated tales of Jell-O blow jobs.