The dust had barely settled in Port-au-Prince following Tuesday's 7.0 magnitude earthquake before opportunistic Jesus-bot Pat Robertson offered his take on the tragedy. Surely a prominent religious figure like Roberts could be counted on to offer words of comfort and solace for the thousands of victims of this disaster, yes?
Or maybe not.
One shudders to think what Satan is going to demand in return for that deal he struck with George Washington to get rid of the British.
The fact that Robertson is crazier than a shithouse rat on Chlorpromazine shouldn't be news to anybody. Among other things, the guy claimed Scotland was "overrun by homosexuals" (must have been all the kilts) and that he could leg press 2,000 pounds. Clearly, not all his dogs are barking. However, Hair Balls has recently obtained exclusive evidence of five other historical occasions when Robertson found a way to assign responsibility to the victims for their suffering.
Details are sketchy, but Robertson reportedly attributed the near total destruction of the Indonesian island to the predilection of South Pacific women to go topless. When asked why God would blow up an Indonesian island thousands of miles away from Polynesia, Robertson blamed the fact that Google Maps didn't exist at the time.
Black Death (14th Century)
Robertson described the plague that ravaged the Continent in the 1340s as one of the first times God was retroactively vengeful. Here, he's punishing France (and the rest of Europe) of the future for failing to adequately support the War in Iraq.
The Rape of Nanking (1937)
According to Robertson, the Chinese were clearly asking for it. I mean, the Kuomintang just dangled Manchuria out there for everyone to see. What was Japan supposed to do? Not invade?
Kenny Rogers (2006)
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The Gambler's horrific plastic surgery results are, if Robertson is to be believed, a direct result of God's displeasure at his duet with Sheena Easton on "We've Got Tonight."
Hurricane Andrew (1992)
Robertson blamed the massive damage to Homestead Air Force Base (and to Dade County as a whole) on the Miami Dolphins losing the final AFC playoff spot to the Jets in '91.