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Pet Products for the Rich and Insane

Screenshot from theclassydog.com

Hair Balls loves animals. Loooves 'em. We also love crazy animal people. But we are not above mocking them, when appropriate. And there is perhaps no greater mocking-rich demographic than folks who spend outrageous amounts of moolah on pet products. Clearly, there are more than a few pets out there who have it pretty dang good.

Mexican Hacienda Luxury Dog Mansion

If you didn't spend at least four figures on your dog's outdoor abode, you are cruel and inhumane. The Classy Dog's line of luxury mansions are custom-built, and may include framed art, running water, and air-conditioning. Highlight: "Each mini-mansion comes standard with an elegant entrance way and spacious interior with wallpaper options for dogs or cats." The costs can rack up, though -- the hacienda in the photo cost $17,000. But we're guessing it has pretty awesome wallpaper.

Canine Massage Lotion

According to Pucci & Catana Luxury Pet Boutique, "use of proper dog massage techniques can comfort & relax, help aid digestion, and improve circulation." Which begs the question: what's an improper dog massage technique? ($15)

Ten Foot Cat Fantasy Tree

This 215-lb. Lewis Carroll night terror come to life has crazy written all over it. But in an awesome way. According to A Hidden Hollow, "it has 4 shelves inside the Tree Trunk for your Kitties to lay on and look out the entrance holes, or they can use them to climb up to the Tree-top Lounging Platforms. There is also the space at the bottom of the Tree Trunk to lay and curl up and sleep in too." We're also guessing it's a good place to hide your victims' body parts. The standard luxury fur package will run you $1,809, but you can upgrade to "fabric bark" for an extra $190. You can also "upgrade to Ficus Leaves instead of the standard Ivy Leaves." After all, everyone knows ivy leaves are for assholes. And if you're going for the ficus, you may as well go all-out and drop another $35 on the Enchanted Fairy Door.

Screenshot from catsplay.com

Amish Made Corner Cat Litterbox Cabinet

When it comes to housing and concealing our cat's feces, only the Amish will do. ($229)

Screenshot from theclassydog.com

Versace Style Luxury Dog Bed

Groundbreaking fashion designer Gianni Versace may have been gunned down by a rampaging lunatic in 1997, but his peerless vision lives on, most notably in this $1,000 wooden box where your dog can lick his crotch in style. Highlight: "Side and back bumpers have lush black faux fur with gold sateen fabric. Back bumped is trimmed with tassels in gold and black."

Screen shot from poshpuppyboutique.com

Couture Paisley Armoire

Posh Puppy Boutique tells us that "all architectural details are drenched in Swarovski Crystals and pearls and embellished with semi-precious druzy gemstones." Translated into money, that comes to $5,390. You can also drop a few more bucks on satin padded hangers ($6), or, if you're not a complete ogre, pearl bead hangers ($22).

Screenshot from theclassydog.com

V.I.P. Dog Parfum (Unisex)

Here's a sampling of the words used in the Classy Dog's ad copy for this "parfum," which sells for $2,750-$3,000: -top notes of Mandarin Blossom and Pink Grapefruit -the rare Essence of the Osmanthus flower -those lucky enough to smell it -perfect accords of Sandalwood, Vetiver and Orris

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Screenshot from kittywalk.com

Kittywalk Town & Country Collection

Our first thought was, how could anyone spend this much money and energy so their indoor cat could lay on its ass and look at birds outside, as opposed to laying on its ass and looking at birds inside. But then we saw that the Kittywalk Town & Country line is "hand-crafted"! BOOM! Done and done. We're going to get the whole thing -- the Clubhouse, the T-Connect, the Penthouse, and the all-cap KABANA. That's $339.95 well spent. (Heads-up: the fine print disclaimer on the Kittywalk website states that "these products are not toys and should not be used by infants or children," just in case you, like us, had dreams of getting rich by opening an outdoor, mesh-enclosed day care.)

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