Pole Dancing, Playoff Soccer: Top Five Things to Do in Houston Sports This Weekend

"It's the freakin' weekend, baby, I'm about to have me some fun." Oh, R. Kelly, how you cut to the core of me. The weekend is upon us again, kids and children of all ages. That can mean only two things: 1) It's time to put on my expanding pants and eat nachos until I puke and 2) There be sports here!

On a weekend that promises to be mild -- cool even -- and maybe just a little cloudy, there is absolutely no excuse for you to not partake in some of the festivities, activities and general other ivities that are going on this weekend. So, to quote a resident of Shelbyville from The Simpsons, "Get out here, son, there's a doin's a transpirin'."

The best news for you, Pancho, is that there is not only a lot to see and do, but some of it might be downright titillating. Yeah, that's right, TITILLATING! On we go.

5. College Basketball featuring UH vs. Texas State and Rice vs. St. Thomas Friday, 8 p.m.; Saturday, 2 p.m., respectively It's still very early in the college basketball season, but it is still fun to see college athletes lace 'em up and play some hoops. While neither Rice nor UH is looking to be a serious candidate for the NCAA tourney, recent controversies for both teams will make them interesting to follow. And when the St. Thomas Celts come a-callin', well, sir, you can throw out the record books. As an aside, who knew St. Thomas had a basketball team or that they were called the Celts?

4. 12th Annual Rockets Run followed by Rockets vs. Clippers Saturday, 7:30 a.m. for the run, 7 p.m. for the game Run Information, Rockets.com If you feel like getting some exercise, there probably won't be a more enjoyable way this weekend than the 12th Annual Rockets Run that winds through downtown and ends up on the floor of the Toyota Center. All participants get a ticket to a select Rockets game. Later that night, the Clippers, who blew the Rockets out of Staples Center earlier this week, handing them their only loss of the season, make their way to the Toyota Center for the early-season rematch.

3. Snapping Tortuga's Bale of Tortuga 10K Open Water Swim/Relay Saturday, 9 a.m., Lake Conroe Event Web site I've actually spent quite a few chilly mornings on Lake Conroe, but I was pulling fish out of the water, not SWIMMING IN IT. This Saturday promises to be a bit on the nippy side, but if you are in the mood for a swim and think Lake Conroe is a good place for it, head on out and take part in this 10K swim and relay. Don't let the name Snapping Tortuga (Turtle) worry you. You probably won't have your toes bitten off by a vicious reptile.

2. 3rd Annual Melee on the Bayou, Pole Dancing Competition Saturday, 4 p.m., Grooves of Houston (2300 Pierce) Event Web site I was going to start with something like "Hey, fun for the whole family! Bring the kids!" But let's be honest, this is a competition for women pole dancing. This might be the closest you get to stripper-like behavior outside of a "gentleman's" club, and I honestly can't find a single thing wrong with that.

1. Houston Dynamo vs. Sporting Kansas City Saturday, 1:30 p.m. - First Leg of the Eastern Conference Finals HoustonDynamo.com Leave it to the Dynamo. Every year they look dead in the water and they surprise you. They went into New York this week with a stunning win that vaulted them back into the Eastern Conference Championship, the first leg of which they will host on Saturday. It should be an absolutely perfect day for pro soccer, so get out there and support our men in orange.

Additional Goings-On:

Houston Texans vs. Arizona Cardinals Sunday, 3:30 p.m. -- on TV

I hesitate to even mention a team that continues to keep kicker Randy Bullock on the roster, but this is worth it because Case Keenum. No reason at this point, with interim head coach Wade Phillips at the helm, not to let Keenum air it out. Maybe he can boost Andre Johnson's TD numbers so his final seasons with the Texans actually get him into the Hall of Fame.

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