It's been a rough week: we found out the BP oil spill may spread across the Atlantic Ocean and threaten England's blessed shores (which, let's admit it, would be pretty hilarious) and dealt with the campaign in Afghanistan supplanting Vietnam as America's longest war.
And if all that wasn't enough, now Kim Kardashian is in talks to play Lara Croft in the next Tomb Raider movie:
According to Hollywood insiders, the curvy reality TV star is in the middle of negotiations to play video game beauty Lara Croft in a reboot of the film series.
"This will be something very different to Angelina's Lara," a source said.
"Kim is wanted to play a far more comic-strip version of Lara which would be shot in 3-D and aimed at a teen audience."
Megan Fox as Dorothy Parker, Mrs. Parker and the Vicious Circle
Must not make 3-D butt jokes...must not make 3-D butt jokes.
My views on remakes are well established, but even I can't deny Kardashian's take on the character would be different, mostly because Angelina Jolie can actually, you know, act.
Though I understand steps are being taken to rectify that particular shortcoming.
Kim, 29, has previously spoken of her desire to break into acting.
"I have so much going on but acting is definitely exciting to me. I'm hoping to do more TV and I would really love to make movies."
"Kim has been attending acting classes for some time," a source revealed.
Look, the character of Lara Croft doesn't require Lee Strasberg levels of theater training, and Kardashian already possesses the...assets most required to draw a "teen audience."
Besides, I can think of a few remake match-ups that might be even more disastrous.
Justin Bieber as Snake Plissken, Escape From New York
Gerard Butler was originally attached to this remake, slated for release next year. He's since bowed out, paving the way for the Biebster. Look at him, in that hoodie and dangerous haircut, he's totally believable as someone who won two Purple Hearts (Leningrad and Siberia), then robbed
a Paul Mitchell salon the Federal Reserve Depository.
Admittedly, I don't think this one is in the pipeline, which is just as well. Somehow I'd have a hard time picturing a founding member of the Algonquin Round Table with "Money cannot buy health, but I'd settle for a diamond-studded wheelchair" tattooed on her ribcage.
Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez as Rick and Ilsa, Casablanca
Oh wait, this really almost happened. Look away! Look away!
Will Smith as Charlie, Flowers for Algernon
Already happening, people. Smith is the king of remakes/sequels, with new entries in the I, Robot, Independence Day, Men in Black, and Hancock franchises all reportedly on the way. Then there's that unwanted do-over of the Sidney Poitier/Bill Cosby/Harry Belafonte movie Uptown Saturday Night to "look forward" to. Hopefully Smith can work in a "Welcome to Earth" into each one.
Adam Sandler and Rob Schneider as Butch and Sundance, Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid
I can see it now, instead of charging out to be memorably cut down by the Bolivian army, Schneider offers a hilariously racist impersonation of the commandant while Sandler makes fat jokes at the expense of Percy Garris. Meanwhile a lone soldier walks in and shoots both men in the head, putting them -- and the audience -- out of their misery.
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