Pop Rocks: Earth First! Five Acts of Terran Aggression

It's Earth Day, that magical time of year when we're supposed to pretend we don't "accidentally" throw most of our aluminum cans in the trash instead of the recycling bin and gaze wistfully at the bus stop as we blow by it in our air conditioned Ford Excursions. When tens of thousands of well-meaning folk sign petitions in the hopes that a handful of energy industry billionaires will declare tax exemptions for claiming to "investigate alternative fuels."

Well the hell with that. My planet doesn't need all this hippie environmentalist crap. My planet is tough: an Old Testament Earth, one that responds with great vengeance to acts of aggression, and uses its agents to silence threats preemptively. Don't believe me? Just watch.

5. War of the Worlds (1953)

Popular propaganda (like this movie) would have you believe our victory over the Martians was a happy accident; that they were vulnerable to Earth-borne illnesses. Read between the lines, man! The so-called "common cold" was a biological weapon, engineered specifically to deal with the peace-loving Martians, who only came here to share the secrets of canal building.

4. Avatar (2009)

Hey, it isn't our fault if ignorant alien populations haven't mastered market capitalism enough to demand a fair price for their minerals. What are we supposed to do, let them live in peace on top of a trillion dollar investment? Two words for you: Francisco Pizarro.

3. Enemy Mine (1985)

I'm not sure why the revelation that Earth was using the Dracs for slave labor was supposed to be a big shock. If nothing else, humanity's history of imperialism and exploitation should serve as an example to other solar systems hesitating to "impress" native populations into the work force.

2. Leprechaun 4: In Space (1997)

...I don't actually have an argument for this one, except to paraphrase General George S. Patton (for a quote he never actually made): "Give me an army of starship troopers and I'll win the battle, give me a handful of leprechauns and I'll win the war."

1. Mr. Show: "Blowing Up the Moon" (1997)

After years of appeasement highlighted by the (possibly faked) Apollo landings, mankind finally responded to the moon's threat and took decisive action...neap tides be damned.

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Peter Vonder Haar writes movie reviews for the Houston Press and the occasional book. The first three novels in the "Clarke & Clarke Mysteries" - Lucky Town, Point Blank, and Empty Sky - are out now.
Contact: Pete Vonder Haar