Pop Rocks: Five Fictional Inanimate Objects More Deserving of a Reality Show Than Bristol Palin

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It's tough to get a reality show.

As you know, TV networks are always looking out for our best interests. And to this point they've been diligent about only distributing these precious program slots to those individuals and groups most likely to make society a better place. I'm talking about the people who drive trucks on ice, the midget bridegrooms, and parents who bravely force their children into beauty pageants.

And today we can add Bristol Palin to that distinguished and exclusive list:

The country's best known teen mom is getting her own reality show: Having boosted the ratings of ABC's Dancing With the Stars into the stratosphere last year, Bristol Palin (who's now actually 20) has made a deal with cable network Bio for a 10 episode series. [...] In the as-yet-untitled series, Palin will move from the 49th state to Los Angeles and bunk with her Dancing castmate Kyle Massey and his brother Chris, plus spend time working at a charity.

Yeah. Look, as a father, I know it's nice to have strong role models my kids can look up to. Which is why, given the choice between a hypocrite who preaches abstinence education after getting knocked up as a teenager and a bunch of imaginary objects, I'm going with the objects every time.

Now I had to narrow it down to those which adhered to certain strict criteria: They had to offer the greatest potential to impress my kids with quality life lessons, they had to be emblematic of cutting-edge millennial thinking, and they had to be things my wife and I could remember from TV.

5. Inanimate Carbon Rod From: The Simpsons - "Deep Space Homer"

A timely choice: Not only does ICR have firsthand knowledge of our troubled space program, but it could also provide valuable information about the threat to Earth presented by space ants.

More difficult would be engineering situations where the rod could be put to use on a weekly basis. Perhaps it could be wedged under the door to prevent entrance by the annoying next-door neighbor, or used to prop open a bedroom window to allow that same neighbor to ogle ICR's sexy roommate, Suzanne Somers.

4. Radar's Teddy Bear From: M*A*S*H

What could be more poignant than the recollections of a bear who survived three years of the Korean War (which really felt like 11 years, now that I think about it), posted only a few miles from the front?

And better poignant than haunted by the harrowing memories of sharing a cot for an entire war with a hormonal man-child possessing eerie psychic powers. Although I bet that would play well on the SyFy Channel.

3. Big Mouth Billy Bass From: Those commercials

Fine, much as I want to believe otherwise, my cousin's rec room is proof that the singing bass is not fictional. And it might be nice to have a reality show star that has an actual talent aside from ovulating and doing a lousy cha cha. Billy Bass could use the time to branch out from songs related to himself ("Five Pound Bass," "John the Fisherman") into political songs like uh, "Midnight Fish" and "Give a Man a Fish."

And if the ratings ever slide (not likely!), well, there are ways to capitalize on that as well.

2. Log From: Ren and Stimpy

All kids love Log. All kids. Think of the bidding war between the Disney Channel, Nickelodeon and the North American Lumber Network.

1. The Cursed Tiki From: The Brady Bunch - "Hawaii Bound," "Pass the Tabu," "The Tiki Caves"

Hello location shooting! We don't have a Real Housewives of Honolulu (yet), and it's about time we had reason to hang out on the islands that didn't involve cops and private investigators with bared chests.

Sorry, Magnum.

I'm thinking of a Survivor-style competition program, with the tiki visiting horrible Polynesian vengeance upon those voted off. Barry "Greg Brady" Williams could be the host, until such time as the tiki...tired of him.

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