Pop Rocks: Golden Bozos

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You know awards season is in full swing when all the celebrities converge upon the Beverly Hilton to get drunk and act like receiving an award from the same organization that once honored Pia Zadora is something to be proud of.

That's right, it was Golden Globes night last Sunday. And while the justified and ancient members of the Hollywood Foreign Press Association run a pretty tight ship (the program ran a relatively lean three hours), the actual award can't hold a candle to the more...esoteric elements of the show.

Best Cleavage: Christina Hendricks

All due respect to Mariah Carey and Halle Berry, but Hendricks' chest is the only one threatening to collapse in on itself and create Los Angeles' first singularity. When she ran up on stage with the rest if the Mad Men cast to accept the award for Best Television Series -- Drama, it registered on seismic detectors as far away as Tempe, AZ.

Most Educational Moment: Robert Downey Jr. wins Best Actor in a Motion Picture (Comedy or Musical)

I saw Sherlock Holmes. There were a few humorous moments, but until that moment I had no idea it was a comedy. Thanks, HFPA.

Most Annoyed Loser: Quentin Tarantino

To be fair, the only nominee who probably shouldn't have been tweaked by James Cameron's win for Best Director was Clint Eastwood. And he's got a few Oscars already.

Most Incomprehensible Speech: Drew Barrymore

A rambling oration that lapsed into incoherence on several occasions, and for a category (Supporting Actress -- Miniseries/Made for TV Movie) that was possibly the weakest of the lot. I was hoping she'd screw up and thank Tom Green.

Runner-Up: Michael Haneke

Give the guy a break. English isn't even the Austrian director's first (or second) language. The best part of his speech was the cutaway to Arnold Schwarzenegger, as if he was going to translate for us.

Best 'Thank God' Moment: John Lithgow Wins Best Supporting Actor

Lithgow's portrayal as the family man Trinity Killer on Dexter is something else. More importantly, it probably saved Jeremy Piven's life. Another win for essentially playing himself on Entourage and Piven's ego might have grown so large only Dr. Serizawa's patented oxygen destroyer could take it out.

Most Uncomfortable Moment: Robert DeNiro's Introduction of Martin Scorsese

Bobby D's perverse (and detailed) description of Scorsese' predilection for fornicating with actual film reels seemed like an in-joke, one of those things best suited for sitting around a poker table with a couple of buds and not a TV broadcast seen by millions of people. As one on my Facebook friends put it, "I don't want to visualize Martin Scorsese having sex with *anything*"

Best Twist the Knife Award: Avatar Wins Best Picture

Thanks for reminding me that my ill-advised box office prediction is probably going to bite me on the ass, you Hollywood Foreign Press assholes.

Most Suck-Up Speech: Christoph Waltz

I liked him in Inglourious Basterds, really, but I hit the fast forward button after about a minute and a half of fellating Quentin Tarantino.

Annnd that was an image I really didn't need.

Mark McGwire 'No Shit' Moment: Up Wins Best Animated Feature

The HFPA (and the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences, for that matter) should probably just rename this the "Pixar Award" and get it over with.

Best Ricky Gervais Moment: Mel Gibson's Introduction

Host Gervais did a fantastic job, skewering not only the unjustly praised American version of The Office, but most of the celebrities in attendance and the HFPA itself. His reference to Gibson's alcohol problems, however, were the only time during the show I actually feared for his safety.

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