With apologies to Warren Zevon:
Keep on riding, riding, riding
Tiger and Jesse James
Keep on riding, riding, riding
All those tattooed dames
2010 is already proving to be a banner year in celebrity implosion. The continuing saga of serial philanderer Tiger Woods was good enough, but then the news broke that West Coast Choppers owner and Monster Garage star Jesse James was screwing around on wife Sandra Bullock the day after she won the Oscar for Best Actress. Talk about getting blind-sided.
Bad joke. Still, I don't know what was least surprising, Tiger's fondness for club hostesses, or the fact that James has a very distinct type (the third picture is Melissa Smith, who's recently come forward as James' alleged second mistress):
It's apparent that in order to stand a chance, Bullock would need at least one complete sleeve and either a tongue stud or a full-on hepatitis C infection. In the meantime, we only rein in our leering fascination long enough to briefly register disgust at Woods and James for possessing the temerity to cheat on fine and upstanding women like Elin Nordegren and Sandra Bullock.
What is it we're offended by, exactly? That a self-proclaimed "bad boy" sullied the image of "America's Sweetheart"? Bullock is 45 freaking years old, people. It'd be one thing if James deflowered Dakota Fanning or some other adolescent starlet 25 years his junior, but Bullock -- who will soon be the third woman to call herself one of James' ex-wives -- is a big girl with a history of normal adult relationships. This righteous indignation over James' behavior ignores the guy's obvious predilections (after all, the big question when they got married was whether or not she would be able to tame his wild ways). It also ignored that, by making movies like Miss Congeniality 2 and Hope Floats, Bullock is hardly above reproach.
Or are we just mad that Woods didn't live up to his image? Hell, if anyone should be happy at the Bullock-James story it's him. Pictures of "Bombshell's" heavily inked torso have pushed Tiger's mistresses off the front page, which is actually pretty funny. After all, it can be argued Woods' naughty behavior legitimately flew in the face of his carefully crafted public persona, making his story more interesting. James, on the other hand, not only lived the outlaw biker life to the hilt (which -- when the majority of Harley riders are bankers -- doesn't really mean a whole lot), he married porn star Janine Lindemulder, who has decided to take the high road and not contribute to the media frenzy.
Nah, just kidding. She actually gave an interview to In Touch magazine:
"I feel sorry for Sandra because she was so in love with Jesse that she was blind and gullible," said Lindemulder, 41, who is in a halfway house in Oregon after being charged with tax evasion.
"[Bullock] once said, 'I finally have a man who has my back.' And all I could think was, 'No, you have this man who does it behind your back,'" she said.
James, who married the Oscar-winning Bullock in 2005, reportedly had an 11-month affair with a tattooed stripper from San Diego named Michelle "Bombshell" McGee.
Bullock, 45, has been in hiding since the affair was made public last week, cancelling two overseas premieres for her movie, "The Blind Side."
I guess what's most surprising to me in all of this is how long these guys are able to keep this shit hidden. Eleven months? Regardless of whether the wife was out of town or not, that's a pretty big chunk of time for a public figure. And that's nothing compared to Woods, who blithely sent text messages, voice mails, and payoffs to his paramours for years, proving that -- while he may not necessarily be an idiot -- he's staggeringly naive.
As a married man, I'm grateful for the sheer audacity of James' (and Woods') infidelities. These guys weren't simply caught flirting with a neighbor while watering the azaleas, or exchanging (mostly) harmless e-mails with a girl they dated in high school...no, they were repeatedly balls-deep in the type of woman one could charitably refer to as "morally flexible" (dozens of them, in Tiger's case). Sure, most of us aren't celebrities who have women throwing themselves at us every time we go out in public, but I'll bet accepting that Facebook friend request from my college ex isn't looking so bad now, is it honey?
If you're like me (and, I'd wager, most Americans), these celebrity meltdowns never get old. We may feel bad for Elin and "Sandy," but there's nothing like watching the rich and famous screw up in familiar and spectacular style to make us feel better about our empty lives. 2010 is already shaping up to be a record year and we're barely three months in. At least Reggie and Kim are still going strong.