Pop Rocks: Ten Musicians I Want to Have Sex With Less Than Lady Gaga

I understand Lady Gaga's declaration of celibacy last month was something of a big deal, if only because most of us have a hard time believing everyone in the music business isn't vigorously fellating each other on those off days when they're not sacrificing puppies to Clear Channel or auto-tuning their vocal tracks. She then went on to expand her position in the Daily Mail:

'Or,' chips in Gaga, 'and I can't believe I'm saying this - don't have sex. I'm single right now and I've chosen to be single because I don't have the time to get to know anybody. So it's OK not to have sex, it's OK to get to know people. I'm celibate, celibacy's fine.
Of course it is, especially when one is confronted with the question of whether or not to have sex with someone who usually resembles a cross between Dale Bozzio and Aladdin Sane era David Bowie.

I kid because I love. Lady Gaga may not particularly carbonate my hormones, possibly because I'm not into blondes (or singers whose costumes are uncomfortably reminiscent of the Pale Man from Pan's Labyrinth), and possibly because there are plenty of musicians who are either physically or mentally grotesque enough that the idea of having sex with them makes one nauseous. Here are a few examples (I'm including male artists for purposes of fairness, and because they tend to be uglier anyway).

10. Phil Collins Was he unfairly maligned by perennial sore losers Trey Parker and Matt Stone when "You'll Be in My Heart" beat "Blame Canada" for Best Original Song at the 2000 Oscars? Possibly, but no man who came up with "Sussudio" or thought that remaking "A Groovy Kind of Love" was a good idea is capable of pleasing a woman.

9. Amy Winehouse
Rumor is that Lady Gaga dyed her brunette tresses blonde to avoid comparisons to Winehouse. I think whoever made the comparison in the first place owes LG an apology.

8. Any Male '70's Rock Band
Pick your poison: Aerosmith, Journey, Dr. Hook, April Wine, Yes...no one feared the advent of music television more than bands made up of scraggly haired dudes who knew their groupie pulling days were over once Duran Duran made it big.

7. Courtney Love
Picking on Courtney anymore almost seems like a cheap shot. At this point, the woman is basically a walking argument for developing a hepatitis C vaccine.

6. Axl Rose
Nothing I could say about "One in a Million" (and the famous lyrics therein) could measure up to my mother's assessment of the man when she remarked -- after walking in on yours truly watching some MTV concert show in the early 90s -- "Is that asshole wearing a Charles Manson t-shirt?" Mom didn't bust out the A-word very often, but she obviously saw something special in Axl.

5. Ashlee Simpson
The SNL lip syncing incident was embarrassing, but it pales in comparison to her actual singing voice. Serious question: Is she booed here because of her obnoxious caterwauling, or because the "anarchy cheerleader" thing had already been done 15 years earlier by Nirvana?

4. Kid Rock
You can take the derivative asshole out of Michigan, but you...wait, how can you rip off "Werewolves of London" and "Sweet Home Alabama" (while rhyming the words "things" and "things" in the process) and not get strung up by your mullet? What happened to vigilante justice?

3. Bryan Adams
Even if he wasn't the go-to guy for crappy rom-com soundtrack music, could you actually forgive a line like, "So tell me have you ever really/Really really ever loved a woman?" I mean, I know I've really really loved a woman, but really really really? That's a level of commitment I'm not sure I'm comfortable with. As an added bonus, here's Chris Daughtry covering it.

2. Victoria Beckham
My own well-documented love of the Spice Girls aside, "Posh" needs some serious nutritional supplementation. As a friend noted at their comeback concert in 2007, "Leather pants should not sag in the ass." Or maybe I said it, either way, that bony posterior is a pretty unappetizing prospect.

1. Gene Simmons
I retired a full colonel in the KISS Army, and I still cringe whenever I hear the guy speak, or see him with his makeup off. He slept with over 4800 women,  4700 of whom are now on the band's street team.

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Peter Vonder Haar writes movie reviews for the Houston Press and the occasional book. The first three novels in the "Clarke & Clarke Mysteries" - Lucky Town, Point Blank, and Empty Sky - are out now.
Contact: Pete Vonder Haar