Pop Rocks: What Books Would Jesus Burn?

Talk about your (mostly) lone nuts. Terry Jones, reverend of something called the Dove World Outreach Center (sounds like a rehab facility that uses soap enema therapy), is going ahead with his planned "International Burn-A-Koran Day" on September 11. This in spite of mounting criticism from a diverse array of opponents, including President Obama, General David Petraeus, Gainesville mayor Craig Love, Glenn Beck, Angelina Jolie, and most of my Facebook friends. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton had this to say:

I am heartened by the clear, unequivocal condemnation of this disrespectful, disgraceful act that has come from American religious leaders of all faiths.

Jones, however, is standing firm. More importantly, he claims an ally none of the aforementioned can even touch:

I think Jesus would not run around burning books...but I think he would burn this one.

In your face, "American religious leaders!" Even the Vatican, whose newspaper sported a headline yesterday condemning the event, can't step to the J-Man (and really, is the Pope someone who needs to be weighing in on book burning?).

But as Jones implies, Jesus would be in favor of burning some books. Being on pretty good terms with The #1 Son himself, I decided to give him a call and see what other books he'd support giving the old Fahrenheit 451 treatment.

Houston Press: J-Dogg, good to talk to you. Jesus: [sighing] You too. It's been a while. HP: So I suppose you know why I'm calling... Jesus: I assume you want help with your fantasy football league again. HP: What? No. Are you kidding? I finished, like, 7th last year. Jesus: Should have listened to me about Miles Austin. HP: I actually wanted to talk about Rev. Jones' comments. Jesus: Oh, him. [pause] I really don't know where that came from. HP: But is it true? Would you burn the Koran? Jesus: [longer pause] Yes. HP: Really? Jesus: Sure, but I'd have to burn the Bible and the Torah as well, of course. HP: Wow. Jesus: Well come on, they're all pretty much made up. Water into wine? Pillars of salt? And don't get me started on the Book of Revelation. HP: That did seem a bit much. Jesus: [chuckles] I told John to stop smoking that sherm.

HP: Okay, so we've got the central religious texts out of the way, what else. Jesus: The Necronomicon. HP: The book from Army of Darkness? Jesus: No, the one that Lovecraft fellow wrote about, that tells you how to summon the elder gods. Have you met those guys? Bad idea. HP: Um, that isn't real, you know. Jesus: It isn't? I'm sure I saw it at Barnes & Noble. HP: It's a fake. A bunch of gobbledygook drawn mostly from Babylonian mythology. Jesus: Well, that's a relief. I always wondered why they would sell it in malls. HP: What else? There must be some books that really got under your skin. Jesus: Gee, I don't want to go there. Negativity isn't really my thing. HP: Oh, come on. Jesus: How about you throw some titles at me and we'll see what happens? HP: Jonathan Livingston Seagull. Jesus: [thinking] No. That Neil Diamond soundtrack, on the other hand...

HP: How about Your Best Life Now by Joel Osteen? Jesus: Torch it. I'm not much on that prosperity thing. It's like these guys never read about the moneychangers in the temple. HP: They did. They just assume it was about the Jews. Jesus: No. Really? HP: Yeah. Jesus: Do they realize I'm a Jew? HP: Probably not. Jesus: Great. Look, can we wrap this up? The Good Guys is on. HP: Okay, how about The Five People You Meet In Heaven? Jesus: Heh. Mitch Albom is going to be unpleasantly surprised by the afterlife. HP: No kidding. Jesus: Yeah. Dad hates lazy sportswriting. HP: Does he...does he ever read my stuff? Jesus: Let's just say you'll be sharing a bathroom with Mitch and Jay Mariotti. HP: I was afraid of that. Anyway, thanks for your time, J-Dogg. Jesus: You know, you've been calling me that for going on 15 years. Do you think you could come up with something else? HP: How about...J-Woww? Jesus: Hey, I like that. Where's it from?

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