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Pop Rocks: Why 2010 Is Going To Suck, Pt. 2

We covered the first half of 2010 a couple of days ago, to resounding snores, but that won't keep me from exercising my First Amendment right to complain about derivative cinematic entertainment I could otherwise easily avoid. Now then...

The A-Team -- June 11

I like how shows like Beavis and Butthead received tons of bad press from overwrought parents groups who thought an animated mentally challenged teen with a penchant for arson might become a role model for kids, when all Hannibal, B.A. and the gang ever did was present these same impressionable youths with the weekly spectacle of live human beings emerging unscathed from machine-gun battles and helicopter crashes.

The Karate Kid -- June 11
I don't want to point out the obvious, but since this is taking place in China, shouldn't it be the Jeet Kune Do Kid, or the Duan Quan Dude? Hell, call him the "Wu-Tang Kid" and at least get a cameo by the RZA, or something.


Footloose -- June 18

The fact that Zac Efron bailed on this shouldn't make you hesitant to check it out, assuming that any movie still not attached to a director in January still has a chance of making its summer release date. Maybe James Cameron has some time to kill.


The Twilight Saga: Eclipse -- June 30

Team Edward? Team Jacob? Where do I sign up for Team Van Helsing? Or Team Blade?


Predators -- July 7

I may be biased, but I believe the 1970s and `80s were some of the finest years for horror and action cinema in movie history. Unfortunately, it also seems to have rendered an entire generation of directors incapable of producing anything original. Otherwise why the insistence on redoing Halloween? Or making a Thing prequel (yes, I understand Carpenter's movie was itself a remake)? Or rebooting Predator? Because I'm sorry, but unless Bill Duke threatens to "bleed someone real quiet" and Arnie smears himself in mud, it ain't Predator. I don't care how many times Adrien Brody(!) says, "If it bleeds, we can kill it."


The Sorcerer's Apprentice -- July 16

Finally, Nicolas Cage's post-Leaving Las Vegas career makes sense.


Step Up 3-D -- August 6

Fine, I'll say it: fuck 3-D. It makes the picture too dim, unless you shell out $12 for the "IMAX Experience," and it's absolutely irrelevant and gimmicky for something like the third Step Up.

And personally, I think the continuing odyssey of young "Moose" is plenty compelling without any visual interference.


Saw VII 3D -- October 22

See above, though the prospect of entrails and/or eyeballs "comin' at ya" is always...intriguing. There's no trailer or plot released for this yet, but I'm going to go way out on a limb and say a bunch of people are going to be forced into a series of life-threatening traps with limited time to escape. And maybe the traps will also be keyed to their own personal demons. I don't know, I'm just spitballing.

Red Dawn -- November 26

Okay, I'm not going to argue the original was great cinema, but there's simply no way the new version is going to have the same kind of Cold War "oomph" that made 15-year-olds like me across this great nation hide caches of food and arrows in the woods around their houses for the coming Russkie invasion, which would force them to run to the hills.

I don't know about today's kids. I'm sure they'd Twitter up a storm.


Tron Legacy -- December 17

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Sigh. Unlike just about all of these other remakes, this one actually boasts the return of its original star. The problem lies in impressing today's video gaming crowd. I don't know if you remember the old Tron game, but robot spiders and rotating Star Castle-style walls aren't going to cut it.

That should help inform your moviegoing choices for the coming year. Maybe next I'll cover 2010's TV offerings. Or maybe I'll just talk about Kendra Wilkinson. What a trooper she is.

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