Port Arthur ISD Bans Hoodies, Cargo Pants...What's Next, Jorts?

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I have never liked dress codes. In fact, I hate them and, to be completely honest, I rarely understand them. For example, why do FBI agents, detectives and the like wear suits and loafers? Wouldn't it make more sense for them to be dressed like ninjas or, at the very least, combat soldiers? Whenever I see someone on a cop drama chasing a perp in a suit and tie, I think, "Dude, put on some running shoes!"

School dress codes are often the worst. They are put in place to "avoid distraction," but the dress code itself almost always leads to more distraction than what a kid is wearing. Granted, I recall my mom, who worked as a guidance counselor for many years, having to send a girl home for wearing a T-shirt that said, "Is that a pistol in your pocket or are you just glad to seem me?" Now, THAT is distracting, but failing edgy tees, hyper short skirts, hot pants and bras for tops (thanks a lot, Sue Ellen Mischke!), most kid's clothing is pretty innocuous.

Now the Port Arthur ISD has decided to enforce a code it says was always in place: no hoodies or cargo pants. ISD spokespeople claim it is for safety since hoodies can block the identification of people on cameras and cargo pants have like 1,000 pockets where kids can store "contraband." They also lean on that old word "distracting," but they might have to ban all kinds of clothing if they stick with this policy.

Look, jackets have a lot of pockets, as do backpacks and bags of all kinds. There are other kinds of pants with multiple pockets -- modern clothing technology at its finest -- so it isn't like cargo pants are the only choice of smugglers.

But if you want to eliminate distraction, how about telling girls not to be attractive or sending kids home when they have acne? You should definitely ban shoes because they can step on people and they make that annoying squeak on the floor after it rains. Clothing should be as loose-fitting as possible so that all kids look like amorphous, gender-neutral blobs. And while we're at it, shave their heads so everyone is uniform.

Of course, the school district could just handle these things on a case-by-case basis instead of overreacting, but you can't put that in an enforceable code to be passed around on handouts. Plus, it would allow teachers and administrators to think for themselves and we know that is not encouraged in school.

If they want to really do some good, how about going back in time and banning shoulder pads and parachute pants? Make a law that no one can wear jorts. Tell people to take off those damn seashell necklaces -- "YOU AIN'T AT THE BEACH OR A JACK JOHNSON CONCERT! And demand that kids lay off the perfume and cologne. Hell, about 30 percent of the adult population doesn't know how to regulate that crap, so I'm guessing the majority of kids don't, either.

See, sensible rules would make it easier, or you could just ban all smiley-face T-shirts because they are worn by hippie pot smokers. Everyone knows the best way to keep kids from smoking weed is to take away their smiley tees. Duh!

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