BREAKING -- A new, undeniably correct theory on why there's a huge oil spill has just been announced. There's a spill, it seems, because God hates how we Houstonians just love abortion. Oh, and Joel Osteen's to blame, too.
The theory is proposed by a preacher (and, we assume, climatological scientist and theological expert) named Joseph Herrin on his Parables blog. We have to admit we have been a little lax in our Parables-blog reading, but luckily someone tipped Jezebel off to the item in question.
Houston, it turns out, is "literally peppered" with abortion clinics. God no like.
Before he drops this stunner, Herrin goes off on some tangent about tropical storms in the Gulf that look like babies in birth canals; admittedly this is graduate-level stuff over our heads.
But when he lays out the case for Houston being the cause of the spill, he starts making as much sense as we assume he ever does.
The Spirit of Christ reminded me of this parable as I pondered the testimony of the current oil spill, leading me to consider another item of news that has been featured in Houston recently. It has been widely broadcast that the largest Planned Parenthood abortion clinic in the nation has been built in Houston, TX. This six story tall (six is the number of the flesh man) abortion supercenter was opened in May, just a short time before the Deepwater Horizon oil disaster began.
As for that Osteen guy:
Joel Osteen's church is in the area, and his message is very evident in his books, preaching, and broadcasts that are watched by millions.The churches of Houston, and throughout America, are proclaiming that they have rejected suffering. They are rejecting all sorrow, and mourning, and pain. How then can they take up THEIR CROSS and follow Christ? How can they bring forth sons to maturity? The church in America is exemplified by the Great Harlot, Babylon, in the book of Revelation.
What does this all mean?
Houston, Texas has been at the forefront of this great parable of the Father. Yahweh has testified of His desire for sons, sons which can only come forth by increasing the pains of the church. The church has rejected this pain and consequently aborts her sons. What is now occurring in the Gulf of Mexico is a testimony of the church's evil choice. She has chosen death rather than life.
Even as the physicians of Houston's abortion clinics inject toxic chemicals into the womb to terminate the life of the child growing there, so too are toxic chemicals filling the Gulf and killing all life there.
Not quite addressed: Why God is sending all the oil away from Houston and Texas.
Keep the Houston Press Free... Since we started the Houston Press, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Houston, and we would like to keep it that way. Offering our readers free access to incisive coverage of local news, food and culture. Producing stories on everything from political scandals to the hottest new bands, with gutsy reporting, stylish writing, and staffers who've won everything from the Society of Professional Journalists' Sigma Delta Chi feature-writing award to the Casey Medal for Meritorious Journalism. But with local journalism's existence under siege and advertising revenue setbacks having a larger impact, it is important now more than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" membership program, allowing us to keep covering Houston with no paywalls.