Protect Yourself


Sex Toys As Weapons
Ten that clerks can use to defend themselves

By Craig Malisow

When we read about a robbery at ye olde Conroe sex shoppe, it occurred to us that these establishments get knocked over a lot. What is it about these places — besides the obvious — that's so inviting to criminals, anyway?

And then it occurred to us that, if the employees aren't armed with guns to protect themselves, they could at least have some of the store's more heavy-duty product line under the register, as some of these things sound outright dangerous. So here are a few items from Zone d'Erotica, the store that got knocked over, that we thought could also be useful outside the bedroom:

10. 16.5-inch Studded Paddle

Small enough to fit comfortably under the register, but big enough to pack a hell of a wallop. At first we were thinking of recommending the paddle with holes, which might actually sting more, but the studs on this bad boy are downright scary.

9. 24-inch Viper Tongue

We don't know what this is used for. And you know what? We don't want to find out. Neither will the dude who had planned on robbing you.

8. Anal Douche

You'll of course want to keep this one loaded.

7. Borosilicate Glass Sleek Dildo Wand

This "features a ball handle for easy maneuvering" and a "smoothly rounded end for easy insertion." It will "not shatter, crack, or chip with normal use." The trick is to show the would-be robbers what happens when it's not used normally.

6. 16-inch Double-Dong with Bendable Spine

Say hello to my not-so-little friend...

5. Black Butterfly Clamp With Link Chain

This thing looks like it could do some damage. Make sure to swing it over your head a few times to get some good momentum.

4. Boy Butter Lubricant (9 oz. Squeeze Bottle)

Aim for the eyes.

3. Doggin Bat

This must be a cousin of the Viper Tongue. Brutal.

2. Sexy & Psycho Love Doll

Okay, this really can't be used as a weapon. This is for sheer psychological torture. Seriously, if you're robbing some dude and then all of a sudden this thing is shoved in your face? Yeah. That's gonna throw a wrench in the plan.

1. Sims Anal Speculum

No comment.
_____________________ DOING IT DAILY

There’s tons of stuff each day on the Houston Press blogs; you’re only getting a taste of it here in the print edition. Head to blogs.houstonpress.com/hairballs (or “/rocks” or “/eating” or “/artattack”).


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Art Attack

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