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Rafer Alston Arrested for Drunk Driving

Hey, Rusty, I know you’re a bit busy at the moment, what with helping that saintly Victoria Osteen escape from charges of being one of those first class a-holes we all see on every flight. And when you’re done with her, I know that you have to get back to helping Roger Clemens win back the reputation that’s been destroyed by that mean, mean Brian McNamee.

But seeing as how you made your reputation by getting drunk athletes off, I’d like to give you the name of a person who appears to desperately need your assistance. And since he’s currently under a guaranteed contract, I don’t think he’s going to need sell off any cars to Bret Michaels in order to pay your excessive fees (which reminds me, I’ve been wanting to ask, isn’t it the suckers who go to Lakewood Church who are really the ones paying your fees?).

Now I’ve don’t know if you’ve heard the news – and seeing as it only just hit the news Monday night, I’m guessing you didn’t because this isn’t the type of thing you would sweep under the rug – but Houston Rockets point guard Rafer Alston was arrested at 2:30 a.m. last Thursday night and released on a $500 bond after being charged with misdemeanor drunk driving.

After the magical work you’ve done for Scottie Pippen, Rudy Tomjanovich, Steve Francis, Eddie Griffin and various other athletes and celebrities, I thought that you would be perfect to handle Mr. Alston’s case. And the good news is it appears that you can have Rafer just put you on retainer because he seems to have some issues and may need your services on more than just this occasion – it was just last August that he was arrested for misdemeanor assault and public intoxication after a run-in with a Houston parking lot attendant, then just a couple of weeks later he was arrested in New York City for an altercation in a nightclub.

So what do you say, Rusty? Rafer’s due in court for his arraignment tomorrow. Do you think you can skip out on Victoria for just a bit and help out Rafer? I’m sure Les Alexander will gladly kick in some courtside tickets. – John Royal

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