Real Texans Hate The Longhorns

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It's an exciting time to be a Longhorn fan. If UT beats Alabama Thursday, it will mark only the second time in the team's storied history that they will be crowned college football champions while having black players on their roster.

All of Texas is thrilled with the title chase, with the possible exception of 80 percent of the state's population. To be sure, those unwashed masses simply haven't learned the joys of arrogantly watching their team survive a cupcake schedule, in a charmless stadium that has a Jumbotron almost as classy as Jerry Jones'.

Here's who's not rooting for UT on Thursday:

1. UH fans. We can understand the Longhorns ducking the Coogs in football -- it's difficult to make space on the schedule when you've got great traditional rivals like East Navasota County Community College you need to play. But why does UT duck the Coogs in basketball? Tom Penders has done everything but offer to blow Rick Barnes at center court at Hofheinz to get a game, and still the Horns refuse to accept the challenge. And Tom Penders probably gives a damn good blow job, for all we know.

2. Fans made uncomfortable by vaguely homoerotic teammates. We're not saying these fans are as open-minded as they should be -- "Not that there's anything wrong with that," and all -- but if they have to hear one more time about how Colt McCoy and Jordan Shipley are roommates, while being subjected to the emo/Bread easy-listening guitar stylings of Shipley, there's gonna be trouble.

3. Fans of good coaching. Texas high school football is just about the best in the country. Mack Brown has the state locked up, recruiting-wise: He gets the pick of the cream of the crop. And UT certainly has a casual attitude toward "young men making mistakes" (i.e., arrests), not to mention academic standards (i.e., six-point Wonderlic scores). Urban Meyer has the same set-up in Florida, and he's had more success in his brief stint there than Brown has had in his long UT career.

4. A&M fans. We don't profess to understand their mindset, such as it is, but we do know they won't be rooting for the teasippers.

5. Fans who hate shitty conferences. The Big 12? Okay, it's got UT, and where would the Holiday Bowl ever be without UT? Oklahoma is good. And then.....Tech? Gimmicky. A&M? Not good in years? Any team in the Big 12 North? Not impressive. But by running this fearsome gauntlet each season -- along with a ferocious out-of-conference schedule of giant-killers who no one's heard of -- the Horns get to the BCS title game. Half the SEC should be pissed.

But other than those 80 percent of Texas' population, everyone will be pulling hard for the Horns come Thursday.  Hook `em, or whatever it is you people do.

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