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Resolutions of the Rich and Famous

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While the rest of us are trying to drop ten pounds, stop living at Target, and cut back to just drinking in the evening (or maybe that’s just yours truly), it seems to me that a certain number of celebrities out there need to make some resolutions as well.

So here are my suggestions for the rich and famous. Some of them might be considered a little mean, I suppose, but notice that “stop making fun of celebrities for money” is NOT on Miss Pop Rocks’ resolutions list. So there.

Marie Osmond resolves to faint in public more often, as it is the best thing that has happened to her career in years. Heidi Montag resolves to stop talking about her fake ta-tas and dump Spencer already! Jamie Lynn Spears – for the sake of all involved – resolves to move to Kentwood, LA, cut off all ties with her parasitic mama, give birth to Lulu Belle or whatever her name will be, get a job at the Piggly Wiggly, and quietly live off her Zoey 101 money for the rest of her life. Please. Brad Pitt resolves to grow a pair and stop copying his wife already. Larry King resolves to die or retire. Posh Spice resolves to stop making the stick-up-her-ass face at least once in a while. Amy Winehouse resolves to go out in a blaze of glory as God intended. Prince William resolves to marry Kate Middleton so we can all have something fun and glamorous to focus on and subsequently distract us from the housing market meltdown, war, humanitarian crisis in Darfur, and impending recession. Jessica Simpson resolves to go to as many Cowboys games as possible, ensuring their continued losses. Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes resolve to create an army of adorable, Burberry-clad Scientology tots with Suri at the helm, all with the charge of lulling us into joining their wacko religion. Judd Apatow resolves to never stop making movies. George Clooney resolves to realize he’s getting just a little creepy and preachy and annoying (Raise your hand if you know two people who saw Michael Clayton). Ellen DeGeneres resolves to not cry about some damn dog on her national television show ever again. EVER AGAIN! David Hasselhoff resolves to eat all his meals at the coffee table like a proper drunk. Paris Hilton resolves to fade away peacefully into oblivion. Sherri Shepherd resolves to take a basic geography class. Rihanna resolves to continue being as cute as a button. Justin Timberlake resolves to finally admit he is a white boy from, like, Tennessee or whatever. Oprah (and I do love her) resolves to stop talking about her vag already!

-Jennifer Mathieu

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Join the Press community and help support independent local journalism in Houston.