Let's examine.

Jimmy Carter and the Killer Rabbit

That rabbit's got a vicious streak a mile wide!!

By 1979, Jimmy Carter had already alienated much of America with his whiny self-righteousness and prim demeanor. As he geared up for a re-election campaign, his desperate fight to the death -- with a rabbit -- didn't help his image.

Carter said he beat back the attacking rabbit with a paddle, although he later changed that story when animal advocates complained, saying he'd merely used the paddle to splash water on the fearsome creature.

Advantage: Perry. Unless Carter used a laser-sighted paddle, and history is unclear on that question.

George W. Bush, Poacher

Now let's go shoot us some illegal game!!

"I thought it was a dove," Bush told reporters.

It would mark the only time anyone died in relation to George W. Bush and bad intelligence, fortunately. We think.

Advantage: Perry. There was some initial belief Perry might have violated the law by discharging a firearm within Austin city limits, but his spokesman said shooting to protect his dog makes it all A-OK.

Teddy Roosevelt: Not to be Messed With

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Teddy Roosevelt was to dead animals what Babe Ruth was to home runs -- in his day, there was no one close.

TR hunted bighorn elk in the Dakotas, went on safari in Africa, cruised the Amazon in an expedition that nearly killed him, and gleefully took animal life every step of the way. No friggin' laser sights, either.

Advantage: TR. If Roosevelt is Babe Ruth, Perry's an Astros shortstop.

JFK: Haunted Shooter, Allegedly

Lighten up, Jack -- He's just telling the world Texas is Number One

 

In Death of a President, for many years considered the definitive book on the Kennedy assassination, author William Manchester included an anecdote about LBJ more or less forcing JFK to go deer hunting on his Texas ranch. Manchester wrote that JFK was turned off by the experience, forever being "haunted" by the look on the doomed deer's face.

It wasn't that Kennedy was a wimp -- he'd had no trouble killing the enemy in WWII -- but shooting a deer on a ranch was too brutal for him to enjoy, Manchester wrote. (LBJ supporters dispute the tale, by the way.)

Advantage: JFK. If Kennedy had found himself eyeball-to-eyeball in a potentially bloody confrontation like coyote-vs.-Perry's-dog, the Cuban Missile Crisis teaches us he would have found a peaceful way out.

Dick Cheney: Hunting the Most Dangerous Game

A quail-hunting expedition with Dick Cheney, as expressed through Legos

`Nuff said.

Advantage: Perry. At least our governor came away with a kill. Then again, he did have that nifty laser sight.