Robert Novak Looks Like a Dang Fish

Tim Russert can read a newspaper like no other.

Does it shock you that your own Miss Pop Rocks, popular culture whore that I am, wakes up every Sunday morning to worship at the church of “Meet the Press” and “This Week”? It’s true, I do! And with this political season, who can blame me? When it comes to most presidential elections, at this stage in the game the nominees have been decided and it’s nothing but pandering and kissing babies until the predictable summer conventions. But not this year…this year, the Sunday shows are a hotbed of relevant dialogue and debate!

And this past Sunday, it struck me that the rules of pop culture discussion can be easily applied to those of the Sunday political chat shows. Meaning, I can scratch my belly and toss off semi-funny, semi-mean remarks about people who I’m sure are actually all quite smart and undeserving of my lame ass commentary.

So anyway, here goes:

Tim Russert. Here’s what Russert does. He reads quotes from old newspaper articles and asks the guests to explain them. I have a feeling the editor of your local high school newspaper could also pull off this job. However, I’ll grant you this. The man has enthusiasm. The Sunday before Super Tuesday he actually said to his panel, “This is Christmas, guys!” The sad thing is I agreed with him. Robert Novak. Looks like a fish. Probably smells like one, too.

George Will. He should be wearing one of those trucker caps with King of the WASPs on the front. You get the sense that all the other panelists are thisclose to clocking him but don’t out of some quiet, misguided respect. He loves to tell these long-winded parables that eventually end in a point he could have made one minute.

George Stephanopoulos. Up in his attic, there’s a painting of George that’s aging. Sam Donaldson. Secretly wants Cokie Roberts.

Cokie Roberts. Secretly wants to kill Sam Donaldson.

Donna Brazile. Little Miss Sassy. I love how she titled her memoir, “Cooking with Grease.” Keeps making the same joke about how superdelegates don’t wear capes and tights. Funny the first time. Not so much the second time, Donna.

Mark Halerpin. This past Sunday I found myself wondering if it was a zit or a light-colored mole under his bottom left lip. Kinda hoping it was a mole because if it was a zit, the makeup person on “This Week” needs to get fired.

Fareed Zakaria. Does an ineffective job of covering his contempt for George Will with a smile that is THIS BIG. Memo to Fareed: Not. Fooling. Anyone.

Martha Raddatz. The Homecoming Queen of the chat shows. Cute blond bob, good brains, sweet to everyone. Kate O’Beirne has a voodoo doll in Martha’s image in her closet.

Mark Shields. Someone needs to get this poor man a booster seat. Each time the Capital Gang makes a guest appearance he looks like he’s a kid sitting at the grown-up table on Thanksgiving. Seriously.

Katrina vanden Heuvel. Token crazy left-winger. No one’s actually paying attention to her when she talks except for George Will who’s secretly fantasizing about tearing her top off with his teeth. – Jennifer Mathieu

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