Black Friday is nearly upon us, people, and while all those other fools will be out buying flat screen TVs, computers and trampling each other for a $5 DVD player, we pet lovers will be searching for the best possible gifts for our furry little friends. For now, we'll stick with fur because I'm not even sure there is a decent bird gift other than, well, freedom.
Don't worry, though, if you have a fussy little pooch or if you just can't think of what to get for the kitty that has everything. I've gone to the trouble of compiling a list of some of the most ridiculous and absolute dumbest gifts you could possibly imagine for Fido and Fluffy. As people who live their entire lives through their pets, this is the ideal list for you. Think of all the funny YouTube videos and Instagram photos your one follower (cough...mom...cough) will enjoy from you this holiday.
Yes, let's torture your kitty with an imaginary butterfly. Brilliant! Bonus when the kids come in and think you caught a butterfly and you have to explain its not real. Fun Christmas morning, mom.
You notice there is no feline version because, well, people don't want their eyeballs clawed out when attempting to wrap a snuggie around their cat. If there is one thing dogs want, it's a crappy fleece blanket wrapped around their bodies.
I'm pretty sure this is exactly what Ted Nugent was singing about in "Cat Scratch Fever," except he hates rap and his version would look like a Confederate flag and have AK47s attached to it. I know you might think tricking your cat into being a dee jay is cute. It's not.
Years ago, a writer trying to find the words to describe the home of Ike and Tina Turner wrote that he didn't know someone could spend $30,000 at Woolworth's. If that is the look you are going for, I've found your pet bed...er...chaise lounge.
It never ceases to amaze me that people invent "upscale" furniture for cats as if any cat that wasn't actually glued to it would be caught dead inside a modern wooden ball chair. Congrats on purchasing the $150 dollar bamboo chair for no one. Well done.
For all the hipsters in your life, it's the oh-so-clever mustache attached to a ball so when your dog plays fetch, HA HA, he picks up the ball and...oh whatever.
I realize not everyone can let his or her cats outside because of deed restrictions, dangerous outdoor animals or traffic, but do you honestly believe your cat wants to climb a tree so badly, you have to spend nearly a thousand bucks on a crappy plastic tree for your living room? Here's a secret: your cat doesn't care.
I know people just LOVE to dress up their dogs in all sorts of adorable little outfits, but when you are putting a tutu on your pup with the word "Believe" bedazzled on the back, you have gone from enthusiastic pet owner to borderline personality disorder.
You can call me from the hospital after you try to put this on your cat and we'll talk about why this was a bad idea.
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SHOW ME HOW
Look, no one wants to look at a dog's butthole or anyone's butthole for that matter (don't go there, perv), but is drawing attention to it with a decorative cardboard cover really the right answer? If it was scented, sure. But, just as is, no thank you.