Salvation Army Hit By Houston-Area Kettle-Robbing Spree

It's a (Bizarro World) Christmas miracle!!

The Salvation Army's local chapter says it's been slammed by three kettle robberies in the last 24 hours, and four overall this Christmas season.

"In each case, thankfully, no violence or aggression has been used against any of the kettle workers," a spokesman said.

Officials don't know how much money was in any of the kettles, but they do know the size of the robber's heart: reportedly at least two sizes too small.

"It is very disheartening to think that anyone out there could be targeting The Salvation Army this holiday season. Our kettle workers spend hours every day spreading holiday cheer at their work sites, trying their best to raise as much money for those less fortunate in our community," says Major Chris Flanagan, area commander for The Salvation Army in Houston. "While the monetary losses are concerning, as well as the disappearance and potential misuse of our kettles, nothing is more important that the safety of our kettle workers. We are making every effort to ensure their safety."

"Potential misuse of the kettles"? What, to make stew in?

Ah, we get it: If you happen to see any very sketchy Santas aggressively urging you to "Put some goddamn money in this kettle I stole!!!" best to walk on by.

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Richard Connelly
Contact: Richard Connelly