The final ballot count for baseball's 2013 Hall of Fame induction class was announced on Wednesday. Not surprisingly, the baseball writers collectively chose to induct nobody in this year's class. Even less surprisingly, the players on the ballot who had the stain of performance-enhancing drug use on their résumés got completely annihilated in the voting.
Among the ultimate squash jobs was former Cubs outfielder and eighth all-time leading home run hitter
if you can get past the steroids, and the cork, and more steroids Sammy Sosa, who garnered a relatively paltry 12.5 percent of the vote.
Players must be named on 75 percent of the ballots to gain induction, so Sosa's odds of climbing from 12.5 percent to the strata of the baseball immortals are microscopic
like his steroid-shrunken testicles at best.
But for all you stark raving Sosamaniacs, fear not! Sammy will not just go riding off into a dianabol soaked sunset. Through the magic of social media, Sammy Sosa lives on in our lives!
Thank you, Pinterest!
Yes, Sammy Sosa, along with millions of mostly female people around the world, has a Pinterest account!
For the uninitiated, Pinterest is another one of those pesky social media sites where users congregate, comment, troll and creep. Here is Wikipedia's description of Pinterest. (Just know that this description will matter greatly about 200 words from now.):
Pinterest is a pinboard-style photo sharing website that allows users to create and manage theme-based image collections such as events, interests, hobbies, and more. Users can browse other pinboards for inspiration, 're-pin' images to their own collections or 'like' photos. Pinterest's mission is to "connect everyone in the world through the 'things' they find interesting" via a global platform of inspiration and idea sharing.
So in short, the idea of a Pinterest account is to share pictures of things that greatly interest you, so people can learn more about you and maybe share dialogue on common interests.
With that in mind, let's go take a look at Sammy Sosa's Pinterest account and learn what interests ol' Number 21 the most, shall we?
First, his user name for Pinterest is "SammySosaTheRealMr609," which takes the title for longest, most annoying social media user name, a title I was able to hold for nearly four years on Twitter with my user name "@SeanCablinasian." Props, Sammy, you're the champ now.
One bone of contention with your user name, though, Sosa. The REAL Mr. 609? For those who are unaware, 609 is the number of home runs Sosa hit in his MLB career. Um, dude, there is very little real about you, Sosa, and even less that is real about your 609 home runs. By my best estimation, your productivity pattern seems to indicate steroid use beginning around 1993 and ending around 2004. Outside of that period, you hit a whopping total of 55 home runs.
So here's the deal -- you can either change your name to "SammySosaTheReal55," or you have to change it to "SammySosa609SteroidFreak." One or the other. On this there can be no debate.
Now let's take a look at your pictures and see if we can ascertain exactly what it is that interests you, Sammy.
Caption: Sammy Sosa. Yes, I'm the real Sammy Sosa, and this is my Pinterest. (Actually, this is his caption for EVERY picture.) Favorite user comment: Matt Haran do you see this stain on my pants here Possible Sosa interests depicted: Sofas, abstract art, awkward hand gestures, Sammy Sosa
Favorite user comment: James Young Now that I have a picture of Sammy posing next to a teleconference unit, I really don't know what more to ask for out of life. Thanks big guy! Possible Sosa interests depicted: Teleconference phone units, pictures with former and current U.S. Presidents, pocket pinball, awkward hand gestures, Sammy Sosa
Favorite user comment: Matt Haran sammy and barock, they text a lot. throwin up da deuce Possible Sosa interests depicted: Awkward hand gestures, Barack Obama, pictures of himself making awkward hand gestures with Barack Obama, Sammy Sosa
Favorite user comment: Gino Click "Now, watch me cut this monitor in two with my fingers." Possible Sosa interests depicted: Computers, Internet surfing, electronics, desks, awkward hand gestures, Sammy Sosa
Favorite user comment: Nicholas Vlies Rock...I win! Possible Sosa interests depicted: Sofas, yellow sweaters, slicked-back hair, sitting down, awkward hand gestures, Sammy Sosa
Favorite user comment: Jason Berglund Um. Sammy- check your tie situation out BEFORE you leave the house. Possible Sosa interests depicted: Desks, pocket pinball, short ties, picture frames, serious facial expressions, Sammy Sosa
Favorite user comment: M McCartt are we sure this isn't a fake plastic sammy sosa? Possible Sosa interests depicted: Sofas, awkward poses, wax museums, Sammy Sosa
Favorite user comment: William McKinley No you're a PIMP!! No you are!! Possible Sosa interests depicted: Hipster love seats, awkward pointing, Eddie Munster's hair, Sammy Sosa
Favorite user comment: Carlos Torres Sorry Sammy. You're a CLOWN Possible Sosa interests depicted: Texting, sexting, Angry Birds, armchairs, Sammy Sosa
Favorite user comment: Michael Law And if you could just remember to put those new cover sheets on your TPS reports that would be great.... Possible Sosa interests depicted: Desks, awkward bending of fingers, posters of Sammy Sosa, Sammy Sosa
So there you have it. Sammy Sosa's Pinterest account, now with a billion percent more Sammy Sosa! I will close with two summarizing thoughts:
1. As best I can tell, Sammy Sosa's main interest is Sammy Sosa, preferably making an awkward hand gesture while leaning or sitting on some piece of contemporary furniture.
2. I can't wait until Manny Ramirez gets on Pinterest.
Listen to Sean Pendergast on 1560 The Game from 6 a.m. to 11 a.m. weekdays, and watch the simulcast on Comcast 129 from 6 a.m. to 8 a.m. Also, follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/SeanCablinasian.
Keep the Houston Press Free... Since we started the Houston Press, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Houston, and we would like to keep it that way. Offering our readers free access to incisive coverage of local news, food and culture. Producing stories on everything from political scandals to the hottest new bands, with gutsy reporting, stylish writing, and staffers who've won everything from the Society of Professional Journalists' Sigma Delta Chi feature-writing award to the Casey Medal for Meritorious Journalism. But with local journalism's existence under siege and advertising revenue setbacks having a larger impact, it is important now more than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" membership program, allowing us to keep covering Houston with no paywalls.