Attention ladieeeez: do you think you're hot? Do you like middle-shelf alcohol? Are you at least 25? If you answered "yes" to all of those, not only are you awesome, but you might want to head over to Club Illusions Thursday for your chance to be on Seagram's 2011 Calendar.
According to a press release, "selected models will be compensated in the amount of $500 [and] receive a 4-night/3-day stay at an exclusive Tampa Hotel....Models will also receive a full style and image makeover from celebrity stylist[s] and so much more." So much more?
What else could there possibly be?
No modeling experience is necessary, just good genes and/or cosmetic surgery and/or eating disorders. We checked out the 2010 calendar, and it looked great: all the good-looking women made us yearn for a stiff, absolutely mediocre gin & tonic. But if you're looking for a few pointers on how to distinguish yourself as a true "Woman of Seagram's Gin," Hair Balls has a few pointers:
1.) Show up drunk: There is no better way to express brand loyalty than by showing up at least three sheets to the wind, courtesy of a series of middling Seagram-based beverages. This will let the judges know that this isn't just a "gig" for you: average-tasting spirits are your life. (Take a cab or get a DD of course; we don't want a DWI standing between you and fame).
2.) Know your Seagram's history: In the mid-to-late '80s, only one man was awesome enough to be the face of Seagram's, or at least the mildly acidic, probably medicine-based Golden Wine Cooler, and that man was Bruno, as in Adventures of. You may know him better as Mr. Bruce Willis, harmonica-player extraordinaire, and that man put weird-tasting wine coolers on the map. Show up singing Bruno's jingle, and you're practically guaranteed a spot.
3.) Bribe the judges: You may think this is beneath you, but who are you kidding? Everyone does it. Just slip one of the judges a cool, crisp Lincoln, two Washingtons, and whatever spare change you can dig up from your ashtray, and you've given them enough for a bottle of that sweet Seagram's nectar. It's a sure thing.
Keep the Houston Press Free... Since we started the Houston Press, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Houston, and we would like to keep it that way. Offering our readers free access to incisive coverage of local news, food and culture. Producing stories on everything from political scandals to the hottest new bands, with gutsy reporting, stylish writing, and staffers who've won everything from the Society of Professional Journalists' Sigma Delta Chi feature-writing award to the Casey Medal for Meritorious Journalism. But with local journalism's existence under siege and advertising revenue setbacks having a larger impact, it is important now more than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" membership program, allowing us to keep covering Houston with no paywalls.