Seagram's Gin 2011 Calendar: How To Get In It

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Attention ladieeeez: do you think you're hot? Do you like middle-shelf alcohol? Are you at least 25? If you answered "yes" to all of those, not only are you awesome, but you might want to head over to Club Illusions Thursday for your chance to be on Seagram's 2011 Calendar.

According to a press release, "selected models will be compensated in the amount of $500 [and] receive a 4-night/3-day stay at an exclusive Tampa Hotel....Models will also receive a full style and image makeover from celebrity stylist[s] and so much more." So much more?

What else could there possibly be?

No modeling experience is necessary, just good genes and/or cosmetic surgery and/or eating disorders. We checked out the 2010 calendar, and it looked great: all the good-looking women made us yearn for a stiff, absolutely mediocre gin & tonic. But if you're looking for a few pointers on how to distinguish yourself as a true "Woman of Seagram's Gin," Hair Balls has a few pointers:

1.) Show up drunk: There is no better way to express brand loyalty than by showing up at least three sheets to the wind, courtesy of a series of middling Seagram-based beverages. This will let the judges know that this isn't just a "gig" for you: average-tasting spirits are your life. (Take a cab or get a DD of course; we don't want a DWI standing between you and fame).

2.) Know your Seagram's history: In the mid-to-late '80s, only one man was awesome enough to be the face of Seagram's, or at least the mildly acidic, probably medicine-based Golden Wine Cooler, and that man was Bruno, as in Adventures of. You may know him better as Mr. Bruce Willis, harmonica-player extraordinaire, and that man put weird-tasting wine coolers on the map. Show up singing Bruno's jingle, and you're practically guaranteed a spot.

3.) Bribe the judges: You may think this is beneath you, but who are you kidding? Everyone does it. Just slip one of the judges a cool, crisp Lincoln, two Washingtons, and whatever spare change you can dig up from your ashtray, and you've given them enough for a bottle of that sweet Seagram's nectar. It's a sure thing.

Good luck!

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