Seven Deadly Sins: Celebrity Edition

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In an effort to stay hip with the times (always the Vatican’s primary objective, right?), the Catholic Church has decreed that there are

seven new deadly sins

(now, even deadlier!) that will accompany the old-fashioned original seven we’ve all come to know and love so well.

The new ones include becoming obscenely wealthy (not a problem for Miss Pop Rocks) and polluting. (I knew I should have recycled all those Miller Lite cans last week!)

The announcement got ol’ Miss PR thinking about what missteps our celebrities could make that could get them in hot water with the Gods of Pop Culture. So after a little thinking (and a few more Miller Lites), I’ve devised this list:

The Seven Deadly Sins: Celebrity Edition

Being Involved in a Sex Tape: Making or producing a sex tape, be it grainy, in black and white, night vision, or even Super 8 mm, is a major offense against the Gods of Pop Culture. It doesn’t matter if you’ve benefited financially from this tape or built a whole career out of it (paging Kim Kardashian), please…no more sex tapes.

Acting All Self-Righteous as You Support a Cause You May In Reality Know Nothing About But It Sounds So Noble: Remember how Miss Pam “PETA” Anderson used to wear Uggs despite not realizing the boots were made of leather? Honestly. Nothing hurt the celeb world more than all the good press Angelina Jolie got for her work with the United Nations. One famous lady goes to Africa and suddenly Paris Hilton, George Clooney, and the whole lot of them are shaming all of us into helping the poor a little more. Icky ick ick.

Heading Off To Rehab After Claiming You Are Suffering from “Exhaustion": Uh huh. And by exhaustion, you mean “I can’t stop doing blow.” Nothing turns our stomachs more than watching celebs who have personal chefs, trainers, drivers, managers, etc. check into the beautiful Cirque Lodge because they are “exhausted.” At least be honest and admit you can no longer handle your smack addiction! Exhaustion. Please. I’ve got dishes in the sink, a floor that needs to be mopped, a checkbook that needs to be balanced, and a husband who won’t get off the couch. Where’s my damn rehab?

Pimping Out Your Babies: What’s up with lady celebs doing that glowing, Earth Mother, “Look at me clutching my baby” pose for the cover of People thing? (Currently guilty? J. Lo pimping out her twins.) I get the fact that some celebrities claim to sell images of their babies in an effort to limit future photo attacks by the paparazzi. But honestly, Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew Broderick didn’t pimp their baby. Neither did Michelle Williams and Heath Ledger. So obviously it can be done.

Picking Up A Prostitute: Hugh Grant. Danny Bonaduce. Eddie Murphy. Why are you picking up prostitutes, dudes? Do you not know you will get found out? This sin sort of goes hand in hand with the Sex Tape one, only it seems to be committed only by male celebs. Yucky.

Becoming a Scientologist: I’m all for religious freedom and do not want Scientology outlawed, but I’m so tired of John Travolta and Jenna Elfman and Kirstie Alley and Crazy Cruise promoting this pyramid scheme that blatantly treats celebrities better than regular people for marketing purposes alone. Fine, get famous and become a Scientologist. But please don’t act like you’ve got all the answers just because you get special permission to enter their Celebrity Centres. (Some celebs get this, like Steve Martin’s brilliant satire of Scientology in “Bowfinger.” Mind Head, anyone?)

Working Past Your Prime: The enchanting and irreplaceable Paul Newman announced last year that he was retiring from acting, citing his failing memory, lack of confidence, and inability to invent. While I have my doubts about his self-assessment, I can’t thank him enough for knowing when it’s time to gracefully make that final exit. Then I see Morgan Freeman and Jack Nicholson making “The Bucket List” and wonder why more stars don’t know when it’s time to say…goodbye. – Jennifer Mathieu

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