Okay, we admit it — we don’t really care who cuts our hair. But we drafted someone who does, to find out the inner secrets of the scissors-wielding fraternity.

She talked to one of the best hair stylists in Houston, and learned things that made her hair curl — and turned her brown eyes blue — the Seven Reasons Why Your Hair Guru Hates You:

1. You’ve got damaged hair as wiry as those copper-pot scrubbers you find
in Mexican food markets, and you insist on getting color again, like
Newton’s law of gravity will be recalled. To top it off (and you really
should use a scarf to top it off by now), you expect it to be healthy
with grocery store products, not the high-end salon potions I so wisely
offer.

2. I always consult with the client first about hair color before I do
anything else, and it’s always the ones who haven’t washed their hair in
a week who want you to touch it.

3. Time-traveling clients: They’ll bring in a picture from like 15
years ago and say, “Make me look like that” and you can barely see the
picture. It’s too dark or it’s blurry and you can’t even tell if it’s
them in the picture!

4. Speaking of the damned products, you out-and-out ask me to tailor a hair-product regime for you — and then have the audacity! girlfriend! to go
elsewhere so you can buy them cheaper. I gave you my time and expert
opinion to come up with your ultimate “prescription.”

5. It doesn’t bother me when guys hit on me, but it does when they’re
married! One customer was always saying dirty things to me and was full
of suggestions like, “You can lean your breasts on my head” during a
haircut — like that’ll make the haircut zip along easier. And I do his
wife’s hair too! She is a sharp cookie and just has to know what a dog
he is.

6. And the stay-at-home moms! All they talk about is their kids. I’m a
captive audience you know, but that doesn’t mean you have to yak on
about soccer shit. You can tell they never get out much. And what if I
want to get married? You’re just rubbing it in.

7. And it goes without saying: Tipping is not, as a wise person once said, a city in China.

This article appears in Arts Guide 2010.