September 1 is here, and as with every September 1 after a legislative session, Texas will never be the same. New laws take effect today, and the old ways passeth.
What are some of these new laws? Let's examine.
7. "A driver may not allow a child under 18 to ride in a watercraft while it is being towed on a street or highway." Texas legislators: Protecting rednecks from themselves for 165 years.
6. Minors: Change your FB status before you sext. Minors sexting now face misdemeanor charges, but the Department of Public Safety does point out a loophole: "This does not apply to minors involved in a dating relationship or spouses." We believe we have never heard a more elastic term than "dating relationship" when it comes to teens.
We look forward to judges across the state hashing out whether Parker was in a "dating relationship" with Kourtney, or whether she really liked Jayden better.
5. Relax, you can still partake in the weirdest hobby ever. A new law bans the use of "caltrops," those tire deflators that used to be employed only by James Bond. Exception: Using them "as an antique or curio." THANK CHRIST. The thought of having to part with our antique caltrops collection would have been shattering. Or deflating!! (Little caltrops humor there.)
4. Gun owners, go all hard-ass. As DPS puts it: "Voters will be required to present a driver license, personal identification certificate, military identification, election identification certificate, United States citizenship certificate passport, or concealed handgun license to participate in an election." (Boldface is ours.)
If you choose not to present your CHL as your mode of proof, you, sir, have no place in Tea Party Texas.
3. Arm up those jet-skis. You can finally bring your gun onto your boat or watercraft. To settle maritime disputes, we guess. Because Texas legislators are pussies, the gun has to be kept out of "plain view."
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2. Protecting the noble traditions of a civilized state. As of today, you are now free to fish for catfish with your hands instead of a pole.
1. Texas women have a sonogram displayed or described to them before getting an abortion. This one would have taken effect today, but a federal judge put a hold on it because of so-called "constitutional issues." We presume he's taking his marching orders from Moscow or Red China or Obama's Chicago gang.