Sex Dolls and the Texans Who Love Them

While intending to Google "existentialism and Sartre" Tuesday, Hair Balls accidentally typed "sex dolls Texas," and wound up at The Doll Forum: A Meeting Place for Love Doll Owners & Admirers. Just as we were about to hit the back arrow, we were lured in by the site's status as delivering "all the doll news since 2001."

Intrigued, we decided to see if there were any Texans milling about, and, if so, what they liked to talk about when it comes to "love dolls," which apparently includes the über-expensive and allegedly lifelike Real Dolls brand as well as a host of others. Our questions were answered, which will no doubt require years of therapy to deal with. Here's a sampling of what people who might very well be your friends and family are up to:

4 SALE "Wired," who says he lives in Dallas-Fort Worth, is selling his second-hand 2007 "4Woods Neo-J" doll (which he bought from a dude in Humble called "Jazzman") for $3,000. "This doll had no damage when I purchased her, other than missing labia, and she has not suffered any damage in the nearly two years I have owned her," Wired assures. "I have repaired the missing labia damage with a set of spare labia Jazzman was kind enough to provide....In my opinion the only obvious differences from brand new condition are some missing pubic hairs and some wearing off of paint on the nipples."

But Wired can't let it go at that. He has to continue with what might be the single most horrifying sentence in the history of the written word:

"I believe I read somewhere that the 4woods pubic hairs are individually inserted real hair, so it is not surprising that they eventually pull out or break off the way real hair would - but they don't grow back."

Before you decide whether to shell out three grand for a twice-owned '07, you'll probably want to weigh the pros and cons. Here are a few: The pros of Wired's model is that she comes with two heads. The cons: no anal opening.

In East Texas, LoveforSale66 had good luck selling his "Pamela" doll, perhaps because, after eight months of ownership, "the strong plastic smell has dissipated; she takes a perfume or powdering well."

LoveforSale66 made a few modifications, including a full pedicure and the addition of eyelashes. Perhaps the most significant was some reinforcement of the "head atatchment," which was shoddy: "Got tired of her head popping off at innopportune moments."

Another Texas owner, Firefly 2008, is selling "Shannon" because of "health issues." (Mercifully, he doesn't elaborate.) The doll has "the usual two openings" and is a collector's item because "the company can no longer make this doll due to court order."

Oh God, the humanity.

MAKEUP Meanwhile, a guy calling himself "Darcrivt," who says he's "a prison guard at Texas' Death Row," was recently awaiting delivery of his "Ruby13" model. But he was already concerned about the best way to pretty her up.

"My question is actually about Ruby's makeup," he writes, "....Can all of her makeup be permanently applied? The blush, the eyeshadow, the eyeliner...all of it? I ask because I know my own limitations, and the proper application of makeup is, I believe, outside of the scope of my shaky hands."

MARITAL TROUBLE Forum moderator Jerry is on a mission to help a friend: "His wife has had some complications that I don't want to get into which means that he can no longer have intercourse with her....I would love the opportunity to help out a friend if someone has a doll they no longer want, and wish to find a good home for her."

Bless you, Jerry.

HOW NOT TO WARM UP YOUR DOLL Word to the wise, from "rcoggins" in Conroe: "Be VERRY VERRY carefull with the hand held electric hair dryers, they are not designed for prolonged use. I have had one catch on fire on me after about an hour of [continued] use."

This is only a small sampling of the many topics discussed on this forum. We could go on, but we need to go wash out our eyes with kerosene.

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Contributor Craig Malisow covers crooks, quacks, animal abusers, elected officials, and other assorted people for the Houston Press.
Contact: Craig Malisow