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Sex Education In Texas: What The Hell Are They Teaching?

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Sex education in many Texas public schools is about as effective as an open-ended condom, according to a report just released by the Texas Freedom Network.

Written by a professor and assistant professor of health education, the report claims that "classroom instruction is plagued by errors of fact mixed with misleading information" and that "outdated gender stereotypes and unconstitutional religious content find their way into instructional materials." (Of course, the Texas Freedom Network's motto is "A Mainstream Voice to Counter the Religious Right, so there's a good chance it consists entirely of heathens trying to push a deviant, possibly homosexual, agenda upon our innocent youth).

Nevertheless, Hair Balls decided it was probably a good time that we all brushed up on our sex ed, and one of the best ways to do that is by separating myth and fact. The following are a combination of actual instructional tidbits cited in the report, and just some stuff we made up. Think you have what it takes to be smarter than a pregnant fifth grader?

a) Giving a condom to a teen is just like saying, "Well, if you insist on killing yourself by jumping off the bridge, at least wear these elbow pads -- they may protect you some."

b) A young person who becomes sexually active at or before age 14 will contract an STD before graduating from high school.

c) Unpastuerized milk gives you AIDS.

d) The divorce rate for two virgins who get married is less than three percent.

e) Those virgins who do get divorced have an 87 percent chance of contracting leprosy of the genitals

f) Fact: Sexually active teens are more likely to be depressed and to attempt suicide

g) Are you acting like the kind of lady who would attract such a knight in shining armor? Think about it. Maturity attracts maturity. Class attracts class. Ladies attract gentlemen.

h) Fact: In order to prevent spontaneous combination, your penis should be wrapped every morning with at least two layers of thermally insulated polyurethane.  

i) Contrary to popular belief, Jesus's birth was not a result of immaculate conception, but a result of doggy style.

j) In regards to menstruation: "If a woman is dry, the sperm will die. If a woman is wet, a baby she may get!"

Answers: items taken from the report are a, b, d, f, g, j. Yes, the language in j is in a curriculum used in three districts, exclamation point and all. (Note: it is still best to wear a condom while drinking unpasteurized milk).

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