Halloween is coming, and that means many, many costuming mistakes will be made by normally sane adults. To help stop this scourge, each Thursday we will be offering tips and analysis of what to avoid, or possibly what to do.
While we don't know when or where we'll black out/get sick this Halloween, one thing's for sure: we'll see a bevy of boring "sexy" standbys - the slutty nurse, the Playboy bunny, the fetching feline. And thanks to the inexplicable popularity of Mad Men, a show unanimously panned by critics for its cardboard characters and summer stock acting, we're sure to see some ladies dolled up as "hot" housewives and office assistants. What we'd really like to see is something that catches us off-guard, that makes us stop dead in our tracks and say, "Now that's sexy!" Here, then, are some challenges for Halloween '09: if you ladies can pull off any of the following, you are guaranteed to stand sexy head and sexy shoulders above the rest.
Sexy Osama bin Laden
He's tall, with piercing dark eyes, high cheekbones and a slim figure. If bin Laden weren't a cave-dwelling mass-murderer, he'd make one hell of a centerfold. You could position the turban just so, allowing gorgeous locks to spill out from underneath and down toward your off-the-shoulder mini-robe. Add a pair of knee-high black boots and an AK-47 with a Fleshlight bayonet, and you'd be hot enough to make any man blow his top in a crowded outdoor market.
Sexy Dora The Explorer
You wanna really blow the minds of the men around you, ladies? Why not go as everyone's favorite inquisitive Latina? Yes, Dora The Explorer has been helping youngsters learn Spanish and generally ask redundant and inane questions for almost ten years on its continuous run on Nickelodeon. How would a woman make an adult Dora sexy? Maybe teach us a few filthy words in Spanish, ask us some dumb questions about our jobs, and have one of your ugly friends dress as Swiper and steal our wallet to buy body shots while you tell us about soccer practice. We always kinda figured Boots the monkey was just one of her gays, ya know?
Sexy Steely Dan
We're not sure how this would work, but hey, it's a challenge, right? The Dan's music arouses us plenty, but Walter Becker and Donald Fagen - the duo responsible for the Steely's sweet studio perfection - are not exactly lookers. If you can pull it off, you'll be the queen of Halloween, and least for fans of jazzy lit-rock. As a bonus, it doesn't seem like many younger women are into the band. We're basing this on the fact that we once put Aja in the car stereo and our girlfriend asked us why we were "listening to reggae again." She immediately fell off our list of people we wouldn't mind accidentally getting pregnant; some lucky lady could probably make it on there if she were able to make Becker's flowing comb over or Fagen's Lon Chaney visage enticing. Let the Countdown to Ecstasy begin.
Sexy Sci-Fi Characters
Science fiction geeks, nerds, spazzes, dorks, dweebs, and leptons have been getting a bad rap for digging on things not of this world ever since Wells, Verne, and Heinlein began scribbling down their prose. Like Lewis Skolnick said in Revenge Of The Nerds, they all make better lovers because, "Jocks only think about sports, nerds only think about sex." So ladies, why not deck yourself out in a few sexy sci-fi creations? What we wouldn't give to see a Sexy Yoda, all green and lithe. Can you imagine how much hotter Marissa Miller would be as the most powerful and wise Jedi of all time? Oh mama, all we want in this world is a pair of booty-shorts and the head of The Beast from Krull rubbing up on 'dat while Soulja Boy bumps in the background. Power is fleeting, love is eternal.
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SHOW ME HOW
Sexy Stephen Hawking
First of all, Sexy Stephen Hawking's not into flying solo. So you'll want to wheel around on a plush velvet love seat, allowing your mate to sit down and take your gnarled paw in his hand. (He will, of course, be seated to your right - the only direction you can face.) OH BABY, you'll coo to him via the dulcet tones of your compu-coder, YOU KNOW WHAT MAMA LIKES. Be careful, though - your super-sexy super-gravity will turn many heads, even if you can't turn yours, and this might cause quantum entanglement, resulting in some real chaos theory. You might wind up calling it an early night, wheeling home at the speed of light to perform your own big bang. Talk about a brief history of sexy!
Why dress like one of the Seven Deadly Sins when you can dress to inspire them? As long as you're looking to incite lust, and possibly envy, add a dash of gluttony to that list with a deliciously naughty food get-up. You could go warm, motherly and sweet with a sexy Aunt Jemima/Ms. Butterworth costume. (We won't get into the sensitive subject of the racial undertones, but we will say we'd be equally attracted to either one.) Bacon only works if you're trying to dress as a sexy cliché - stay ahead of the cultural curve by going as butter, which is apparently the latest thing in fatty fads. (We're too classy for a "butterface" joke, but feel free to whip up your own.) Or you could just forget the kid stuff, dress up as Paula Deen and shove hoecakes in our mouth all night while simultaneously fending off our marriage proposals. Happy Halloween.