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Keep Houston Press Free
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So Did You Hear the One About How All Those Longhorn Football Players Keep Getting Arrested?

You know your team's in the news for all of the wrong reasons when you become the punch line of a series of jokes. So, to celebrate all of the criminal behavior going on over at the Forty Acres, comes this, courtesy of a friend in my office -- he's also a Longhorn.

Oh, and UT fan, we're not laughing with you. We're laughing at you.

1. What do you call a drug ring in Austin? A huddle.

2. Four UT Longhorns in a car, who's driving? The police.

3. The UT Longhorns have adopted a new "Honor System." Yes, your Honor. No, your Honor.

4. The UT Longhorns knew they had to do something for their defense, so they hired a new defensive coordinator: F. Lee Bailey.

5. How do the UT Longhorns spend their first week at fall practice? Studying their Miranda Rights.

6. If you see Longhorn football player on a bike, why don't you swerve to hit him? Because it might be your bike!

7. The Longhorns employ scouts. But to look out for cops, not to scout high school kids.

8. I heard a rumor that the Texas Department of Corrections plans to build a new prison in Austin, Texas in order to allow Longhorns to walk to school.

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9. Why couldn't the Longhorn get into a huddle on the football field? It's a parole violation to associate with known felons.

10. Obviously Coach Mack Brown is not paying his players if they have to resort to robbing people.

11. Book 'em, Horns!

Luckily for all involved, the Horns are playing Rice in Austin this weekend. So HPD doesn't have to worry about making sure there's plenty of jail space, or that they have plenty of officers working OT. You also don't have to worry about locking away your daughters, or locking your doors -- though knowing some of the arrested have a penchant for home invasions, locks on doors probably wouldn't help. But, if you're anywhere near the Forty Acres and this stadium this weekend, you might want to be extra careful. You never know when there might be a Longhorn football player gaining on you. -- John Royal

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