As a resident of the great state of Texas, it pains me to see our tax dollars being wasted. Case in point, somewhere in Austin there is a person who had to spend a couple hours of his or her day posting the offensive and defensive coordinator positions for the University of Texas football program on the school's "Job Opening" website.
Yep, two jobs whose potential candidates are (and should be) limited to a specific short list of highly qualified coaches around the country are listed on a website in between "Research Engineering/Science Associate II" and "Associate Director - University Export Control Officer," whatever that is.
So if it's resumes the state wants, then it's resumes they shall get.
You can go ahead and visit the application page at the UT online jobs website, or for a little fun before submitting your resume, follow me as I point out my favorite parts of the Offensive Coordinator job description:
Job title Assistant Football Coach - Offensive Coordinator (Assistant Coach) FLSA status: Exempt Posting number: 10-12-14-01-0807 Job status: Open
Basic Information Date available: 12/18/2010 Position duration: Funding expected to continue Position open to: all applicants Monthly salary: OPEN Hours per week: 40.00 Variable Location: Austin (main campus) Hiring department: Intercol Athletics Number of vacancies: 1 General notes: Additional hours will be required during peak periods to include evenings, weekends, and holidays. Interstate and intrastate travel is required to include overnight stays.
Sean Pendergast: First, know that the position is open to "all applicants." So that we create some actual work for the poor sap that had to perform this job posting, I want to encourage everyone -- EVERYONE -- to send in their application for the opening. Perhaps you're an accountant. Who cares? Take a shot. You, the Subway sandwich artist -- dust off the resume and get to drawing up some plays. Unemployed? Go ahead and add "Mr. William Mack Brown" to your cover letter list!
Also, I like the way they phrase the time commitment each week. Sure, it's a 40 hour a week gig, but just know that the hours are "VARIABLE." So it may be 40, but it may be 140. And you may have to work weekends. All of them.
Required Application Materials A Resume is required in order to apply. A Letter of Interest is required in order to apply. A List of 3 References is required in order to apply.
SP: Envisioning high level college and NFL coaches downloading a copy of Resume Builder is very funny to me. Even funnier is my mental picture of Les Miles doing his resume in Comic Sans and Bo Pellini doing his in ALL CAPS. Another funny visual -- Mack Brown calling a candidate's three references with your typical bullshit reference-checking questions -- "How well does Coach Shannon work with others?"..."What would you say are three areas in which Coach Austin needs to improve?"...."Tell me about a time where Coach Leach had to use creative problem solving techniques in dealing with others." (Actually, scratch that last one.)
Purpose of position: Coordinates the offense and assists with recruiting and coaching student-athletes in the sport of football at The University of Texas at Austin.
SP: Ah, who would have thought that an Offensive Coordinator would...you know...COORDINATE the offense. Thanks for that. Also, I like how they point out that it's the SPORT of football they're talking about. As opposed to the "hobby of football" or the "blue collar occupation of football." Very descriptive.
Essential functions: Coach student-athletes in the sport of football. Create the overall game plan of the football offense, including personnel groups and substitutions. Manage the offensive game plan. Create and maintain the offense play book and drive chart. Manage the practice organization including practice videos. Maintain the offense press box organization, scouting report, pregame field organization, and offense cut ups. Recruit student-athletes to participate in the sport of football. Evaluate all offense recruits. Evaluate recruits in the central Texas region. Represent the Athletics Department and UT Austin at various alumni, donor, and departmental functions/events.
SP: Another "sport of football" reference. Seriously. Also, I like the essential function of "creating and maintaining the offense play book and drive chart," like it's the "Emergency Contact" binder that the office manager keeps on a bookshelf next to the "H/R Policy Guide."
Required qualifications: Bachelor's degree. Successful experience as an assistant football coach at an elite level. Ability to project the image of the University of Texas and the UT Men's athletics Department with dignity and grace regardless of circumstances and environments. Excellent interpersonal and communication skills. Professional demeanor.
SP: "Yeah, I know you can coach up a defense, but can you do it with grace?"
Preferred qualifications: Minimum five (5) years coaching experience in a university 1-A program. Experience coaching in the NFL. Experience coaching at a BCS school. Experience with recruiting prospective student-athletes. Thorough knowledge of all facets of football operations including team travel, logistics, planning, recruiting, housing, game day ops, and office management. Experience using XOS technology and ACS software. Demonstrated high ethical standards in all aspects of professional career.
SP: The best part about this section is how it is preferred that the Offensive Coordinator (who will be coaching the part of the team that needs the most fixing) have five years of Division 1-A experience and, if you go look at the Defensive Coordinator's job, they would prefer TWELVE years of Division 1-A experience. Kind of weird.
Also, I don't know what XOS technology and ACS software is, but I would give anything to have Les Miles ask me if I knew how to use it and then turn the tables and ask him if he does. Les' confused look at someone answering his question with a question alone would be worth it. Also, I'm guessing if they have to do similar job postings at Penn State, Joe Paterno makes damn sure that the candidates know how to work an abacus and that pesky sundial technology.
Working conditions: Uniforms and/or personal protection equipment (furnished). May work in all weather conditions. May work in extreme temperatures. May work around standard office conditions. Repetitive use of a keyboard at a workstation. Use of manual dexterity. Climbing of stairs. Climbing of ladders. Lifting and moving. Exposure to large crowds; direct customer contact.
SP: Let's play a little Jeopardy, shall we?
"Alex, I'll take 'Employment' for $100."
"They are furnished for you at no charge by your employer at both McDonald's and major college football assistant coaching jobs."
"WHAT ARE UNIFORMS AND PERSONAL PROTECTION EQUIPMENT!!"
Very nice of UT to provide the golf shirts and khaki pants to their coaches at no charge. Solid. Almost as solid as the cautionary "Repetitive use of a keyboard at a workstation." Translation: If you get carpal tunnel syndrome, don't say we didn't warn you!
"Use of manual dexterity" would seem to imply that you will be playing plenty of xBox or Playstation. And the need to "climb stairs and ladders" allows us to at least cross Mark Mangino and Charlie Weis off of the "target hire" list, although I would pay $100 on pay per view easily to watch both guys try to race up a ladder without the rungs giving way sequentially like a row of dominos.
Also, do you think Mack Brown, when checking with the candidates' three references, asks them "Okay, I realize he coached the second ranked offense in the country, but how was his manual dexterity? How fast can he shimmy up a ladder? Did he ever fall down the stairs?"
Also, bonus points for making "exposure to large crowds" sound like some sort of radiation that could potentially give you tumors. Nicely done.
Listen to Sean Pendergast on 1560 The Game from 3-7 p.m. weekdays and follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/SeanCablinasian.