Social Distortion: Declare Your Love In Five Easy Steps On the Internets

Uh oh. You've got "Amazed" on repeat. You're in a positively radiant mood on Monday mornings, even before inserting your caffeine IV drip. Your tongue has never tasted a sweeter fruit than his kiss. Vomit! Wait, whoops. Guess who's in loooooooove? You are, you are!

You know what that means? You absolutely must tell the world. As a newly-declared cuckolded sucker -- err, main squeeze! -- it's your 100% civic obligation to inform everyone who is anyone (and even anyone who isn't anyone; don't be elitist) of this coupledom development. Simply put - EVERYONE MUST KNOW. It's like voting; all good Americans should do it. Yes, you see, these relationship thingies are serious business.

But screw shouting it from the rooftops! You ain't no chimney sweep, and you ain't got no balance. Relax. You can do one better. You've got the Power of the Internets at your star-crossed fingertips. Reach the masses en masse! Get indexed in Google! Make a statement that'll be searchable for a lifetime! It's so much better (and more convincing!) than identical tattoos or vials of blood. How 1993.

So how can you proclaim your adulation for your one and only using the web?

  • Change your Facebook relationship status. "Single" to "In a Relationship." Click of the mouse, and DONE. Arguably the most romantic move you can make on the internets.
  • Create a photopalooza! Every profile photo on every social network that you were ever a part of as a singleton MUST be changed to a shot of You the Couple. Bonus points if tender, meaningful kissing on the forehead or cheek occurs in said shot, especially in sepia or antique tones. Don't worry; everyone's too happy for you to be annoyed. Guaranteed.
  • There's absolutely no reason to stop at #2. Create photo albums on Facebook and Flickr dedicated solely to your incredible love. Entitle them, "Us" or "We." This is the cementing process. YOU ARE A COUPLE. YOU WILL HAUNT PEOPLE IN THEIR DREAMS. THEY WILL LIKE IT. YOU KNOW BEST.
  • Twitter isn't just for businesses anymore. Sacrilege if both of you aren't on Twitter! Seriously. It makes mentions (@replies, if you're nasty) and claiming your sweetie by Twitter handle in your profile that much easier. And think of the ease in communication when you're both on Twitter. You won't even need text messaging anymore, and everyone can take part in your affections! However, to satisfy the smoothest of smooth operators, there's extra credit if you give your honey bunny a secret code name. Pique the interests of your followers just enough to let 'em know you're smitten with She-Baby or Mr. Sweet Cheeks, while keeping his or her status in the witness protection program secure.
  • Because how cute is www.jonandkate.com? Out with the bank account; jointly own a domain name! Co-author a blog! Make it an ongoing love note to each other! Because love knows no boundaries. And neither does your adoring audience.

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