Social Distortion: The End-All, Be-All Cure For Your Social Media Sickness

You log into Facebook, and you're hit with the sudden pang of 172 unread messages in your inbox, 146 unread updates, 59 event invitations, and a partridge in a pear tree. Your Google Reader is uncomfortably lodged at 1000+ unread, and it hasn't been touched in ages, sorta like your sexy bits. You blindly scroll down the Twitter updates to which you subscribe, your bleeding eyes not focusing on anything in particular and nothing at all. Your blog, still blatantly hosted for free on WordPress (lacking a unique URL, for shame!), is a wasteland of oozing drivel that only a teenager would find fit to post. "Lay off those double cheeseburgers!" actually meant something to you when you last uploaded a photo to Flickr, and memory fails as to whether you even have YouTube or Vimeo accounts. You had to login to watch those 18+ videos, right? Right? You haven't even submitted a story to Digg since Facebook Connect was born, and you last took the pulse of your MySpace profile sometime in 2007 (okay, that one's forgivable). Yeah, it's real, real bad.

Well, the doctor, doctor's got some news. Diagnosis? You've got a bad case of social media burnout. Yo, it ain't catchy, but it sure is catching.

Lucky for you, there's a cure.

  • Facebook: Status messages are an easy way to shake shit up. Post things like, "Jane Doe never wants to see your name in her inbox again," or "Joe Schmoe isn't coming to your party ever, so don't bother inviting him." You'll be sure to stir up friend interaction while maximizing your Facebook enjoyability factor. Tell people exactly what you do and don't want, and you'll be respected and revered for it.
  • Google Reader: Mark everything as read. If you're not reading it, it ain't a-happenin', right? If a tree falls in the woods and no one sees it, does it make a sound? Fuggedaboutit. Next!
  • Twitter: Use Twitter Search to find users diametrically opposed to everything you believe in, then take the late great MJ's advice and start somethin'. It's a conversation! Really wanna connect with your existing followers? Couple the hashtags from the Trending Topics with completely unrelated tweets. Example: I am incredibly constipated today. I feel sorry for my coworkers. I'll be the grunting one. #robotcomedians #followfriday
  • WordPress: Copy and paste all your posts using your WordPress subdomain, but on Blogger instead. It'll only take a day or two! For example, if you're, make a quick switch over to Forget steps up! Taking a step down is the new black.
  • Flickr: Anything worth doing is worth doing well, so get going again with a bang. Post some full frontal nudity already. Guidelines schmidelines! They're merely suggestions.
  • YouTube/Vimeo: Take the Flickr suggestion above, and put some back into it. Animation, not stagnation! Instead of the Open Source Software Initiative, you can call yours the Open Source Porn Initiative. Voila, you're a Web 2.0 entrepreneur!
  • Digg: Diggnationals are huge advocates of digging your own stuff. This is where your entire social media revival comes full circle. Start a blogpost (on your new Blogger-hosted domain, of course), embed your latest Open Source Porn Initiative Flickr photo and YouTube/Vimeo video into the blogpost, and publish! Don't forget to post the link to Digg, tweet the Digg link, and post the Digg link to your Facebook profile as well. It's all happening!

Presto change-o, it looks like you've recovered from your malady! You're well on your way to social media expert status (or "guru," if you're nasty). You're gonna be great!

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Fayza Elmostehi
Contact: Fayza Elmostehi