Social Distortion: The Facebook Friend Inaugural Oath of Office

Adding folks to your posse of Facebook friends is far from an automated algorithm. Facebook often serves as the Internet's Final Frontier - you're either down with the innermost of highly personal circles, or you're merely relegated to the comparative impersonality of being a Twitter follower or Flickr contact. Woe is you.

You either get all the stuff a stalker's wet dreams are made of, or you get to spend your days scouring Google to piece together your victim's college term papers on Colombian drug trafficking and remnants of that LiveJournal from 1999. Or something. Not that, um, well, you know. Pretty day today, isn't it?

The lifelong commitment undertaken when adding someone to your Facebook harem can be advantageously harmonious or excruciatingly aggravating. It's the difference between an eternity of untagging yourself from every drunken photo in which you've ever appeared since you turned 16 and had an affinity for margaritas and flashing the camera, and clicking the "Like" button so often, you fear Facebook may nix your privilege altogether. It all hinges heavily upon the online behavior of said potential friend after the fateful click of that "Accept" button.

Wouldn't it be handy - utilitarian, if you will - if there was some sort of contractual code of conduct to which all prospective Facebook connections must agree before you signed your name on the virtual dotted line?

Lo and behold - it's The Facebook Friend Inaugural Oath of Office. Since it's impossible to supervise the raising of potential Facebook friends' right hands over religious texts, do what all the kids are doing - cut and paste it into messages to Facebook friend candidates, and slap your name on it as if you were clever enough to write it yourself. Your incompetency's safe here.

"The Facebook Friend Inaugural Oath of Office:

  • I do solemnly swear that I will faithfully execute the office of Facebook Friend of [insert your name here], and will to the best of my ability, preserve, protect and defend [insert your name here]'s Code of Conduct to qualify indefinitely for Non-Pissant Clearance. This is including, but not limited to, the following covenants:
  • I shall not affix my Twitter account to my Facebook status, if I am a Twitter user that engages in excessive, qualitatively soporific updates, or updates that would not even be of interest to my biological maternal figure;
  • I shall not similarly subject you to suicide-inducing updates about my generally mundane existence;
  • I shall not impair the flow of traffic on your news feed when my hands are idle with nonsensical examinations; representative samples include "What Type of Rock Were You in a Past Life?" or "What Celebrity Dog Do You Most Resemble?";
  • I shall not tag you in unbecoming, inebriated, or childhood photos without your express permission, especially those featuring you lacking adolescent facial grooming or with corrective dental equipment;
  • I shall not, as a precursor to or condition of our Facebook alliance, require you to endure liquid violation, undertake criminal activity, or request that you commit oral battery in order to create a standing militia;
  • I shall not begin nor complete this friend request if I am unable to identify you in a lineup;
  • I shall not assume that our Facebook association is an open invitation to populate your social calendar with my agenda.
  • Both parties agree to be bound to these terms by clicking the "Accept" button. The conditions and terms expressed above are not exclusive, and can be modified at any time by either party, so long as the modifying party has not been formally or informally diagnosed as suffering from an illness that would impair average judgment."

Gargle, rinse, and repeat.

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Fayza Elmostehi
Contact: Fayza Elmostehi