Social Distortion: While You Weren't Tweeting

Yup. It's Monday morning. The weekend's indisputably over. You sucked down the last of Saturday night's spliff before bed, and you've pulverized the remaining vomit from your knees with a skin-scalding jet stream. You've blearily navigated the clogged arteries of familiar freeways to your place of employment. You've stumbled into the company kitchenette to pour yourself a cuppa joe into an abandoned Las Vegas souvenir mug. And now you've exerted a resigned sigh as you heave yourself into your chair for eight mind-numbing hours in front of a giant glowing orb.

Now what?

Fuck around a little bit longer. Who's gonna notice anyway? Your boss is reassuring his assistant that he's actually leaving his wife for her, and yes, this past weekend in Luckenbach really was the beginning of the end for his marriage. Your cellmates -- errr, colleagues, rather -- are congregating around the receptionist's desk, attempting to convince her that being called a $35,000 millionaire really is a back-handed compliment, while ogling pictures of her neighbor's pool guy, on whom she did not perform fellatio at The Red Door. If anyone asks, that is.

You're obviously the only decent individual left at your office, and thus, you ought to reward yourself. Since you were understandably so busy with, um, whatever it is you did last week (bonus points if it was Jennifer Love Hewitt), you need to catch up on your social media dirt.

Spoon feeding, bubba. It doesn't get any easier than this.

Was there a new iPhone or something? Yeah, yeah, okay, coy's not working. So, the new iPhone came out last week. Oh Lord, it may be the most awful contraption ever to be invented. You can record video and post directly to YouTube, it has copy and paste functionality (uh, finally?), it's faster than Speedy Gonzales, it supports tethering, it has the capability to download movies and TV shows, and it features a landscape keyboard, Spotlight search, Find My Phone, MMS, reliable push notifications, yadda yadda. As expected, everyone completely hates it.

All hands on TweetDeck! Not only does hard drive resource hog TweetDeck have a grizzly of a Twitter desktop app and a loyal fanbase, but those slimy snakes went and released a tricked out, free app for the iPhone. Tweetie is taking that fifth shot of Everclear right

UberTwitter for BlackBerry? Already. So. Lost. There's something other than iPhone? Errr. Okay, okay, so this new UberTwitter app thing isn't exactly news, per se. But, hello, it was a trending topic on Twitter! Only the important shit trends on Twitter, right? Actually, the fact that a BlackBerry Twitter client made a splash of any kind is pretty phenomenal in and of itself. So take that, iPhone fanboys.

Shit hit the fan in Iran. Naw, bro, you don't understand. Shit went down. One day there was an election, the next day there was chaos. Yeah, that's not so normal. Catch the eff up, yo. Seriously. Easy like Monday morning. 'Cause cute cats as collateral damage for internet censorship is simply unacceptable.

And there you have it -- a quadruple espresso shot of social media, signed, sealed, and delivered in a pseudo-eco-friendly brand whore cup, encased in a cardboard burn-me-not condom. Suffice it to say that if anything else happened in the technoverse, it probably didn't matter anyway.

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Fayza Elmostehi
Contact: Fayza Elmostehi