Believe it or not, writing about so-called "pop culture" has its difficulties. For starters, it's hard to deal with the effusive praise and overwhelming respect heaped upon you by your colleagues, none of whom view entertainment journalism as an inferior professional pursuit. Never mind how often they make air quotes when saying the word "journalism."
Also, you're paid so much it's genuinely difficult to figure out what to do with all that phat cash. Currently, I just keep it lying around the mansion (the Miami one) in large bags emblazoned with dollar signs.
But the biggest problem might be how you eventually notice the same names parading -- sans underwear or self-respect -- through the headlines. And since there are only so many ways you can make a buttocks-related pun on the name "Kardashian," I came up with an idea I think will make everybody happy. Well, me anyway.
In this corner, aspiring cautionary tale Lindsay Lohan:
Prosecutors in Los Angeles said that no charges would be filed on Monday against actress Lindsay Lohan in connection with the disappearance of a $2,500 necklace from a Venice jewelry store.
It was not immediately clear if or when prosecutors, who have been presented a case by the Los Angeles Police Department, would move forward with criminal charges.
If Lohan is charged in the case, it would be the most serious criminal count to date for the actress, who has made headlines for drunk driving and stints in rehab.
Lohan's plummet from child star/teen ingenue to dessicated has-been has been startling in its precipitousness, and there appears to be no end in sight. Meanwhile, Charlie Sheen is taking advantage of the hype surrounding the Super Bowl and Snowmageddopocalypse 2011 to temporarily retreat from the headlines. But his troubles aren't over:
As Charlie Sheen heads back to a rehabilitation facility, weeks of salacious headlines are now giving way to a steep financial price for the star's behavior.
In fact, sources tell The Hollywood Reporter that if "Two and a Half Men" is forced to shut down permanently, it could jeopardize as much as $250 million in domestic syndication revenue for producer Warner Bros. Television and millions more in lost ad revenue for CBS.
How can you not be salivating at the prospect of these two crazy kids sharing a roof? After all, Americans love two things above all else: nervously convincing ourselves we're better than those more screwed up than us (hence the popularity of Hoarders), and laughing our asses off at famous people screwing up just like normal people (hence the popularity of TMZ). Sheen/Lohan would totally be a new Odd Couple: one is addicted to cocaine and engaging in potentially career-ending brushes with the law, and the other...wait, let me rework that.
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And think of the supporting characters: Dina Lohan, Martin Sheen, Herbie the Love Bug, the cast of Anal Lesbian Sweethearts...it'd be like an NC17 Love Boat, only on Bravo, so they'd still have to bleep out the swears.
Don't act like this wouldn't be the highest-rated reality show of all time. We already follow their parallel downward path career trajectories with the desperate fascination usually reserved for shark attacks or massive freeway pileups. Think ratings were high on Celebrity Rehab when whatshisname from Taxi hit rock bottom? Just wait for Sheen and Lohan's epic four-day coke bender, culminating in their falling into each others' twitchy arms.
Call it Celebrity Deathwatch. Sheen and Lohan are already regular fixtures in recent dead pools (another charming by-product of modern society), and neither seems likely to survive into the next decade.
But as long as we capture the endgame on TV, everyone comes out a winner.