Working overtime to give natural selection the finger, a former member of the Texas medical Association's Committee on Infectious Diseases has issued a press release telling people how to wash their hands.
"I'm not just talking about running your hands under the faucet," Gary N. Butka states in the release. "It means getting a bar of soap and washing your hands. Hum to yourself a tune, maybe 'Yankee Doodle Dandy' or 'Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star,' and when you've finished the song, you have finished washing your hands."
Butka goes on to try to scare the bejesus out of people by warning, "Part of the situation that we're in today is a sense of false security that has been created by the advent of antibiotics. Before we had penicillin, hand washing was really emphasized."
Not only do we agree, we're worried that Butka's advice doesn't go far enough. "Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star" is an extremely short lullaby (in fact, in a strange coincidence, it's exactly as long as "The Alphabet Song"). And, unless you employ the kindergarten trick whereby you sing it multiple times at increased speed, "Yankee Doodle Dandy" clocks in well under "The Itsy Bitsy Spider" and "On Top of Spaghetti."
Which is why Hair Balls suggest singing the following while scrubbing yourselves clean, Mommy Dearest-style.
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"Hotel California," The Eagles (6:30)
Start with a light wash, ramping up only when Don Henley sings that part about stabbing the beast with steely knives. By the time Joe Walsh kicks into the closing guitar solo, you should be scrubbing like a motherfucker.
"Strokin'," Clarence Carter (6:23)
Because of its suggestive lyrics, it is recommend that you only wash your hands while singing this when no children are around. The especially fun thing is, you can alter the lyrics to fit the occasion: "The other night/I was scrubbin' my woman/And it go so good to her/You know what she told me/'Scrub it Clarence Carter, but don't scrub so fast'/'If my stuff ain't tight enough you can scrub it up my - WHOO!'"
"It's Alright, Ma (I'm Only Bleeding)," Bob Dylan (6:30)
Who said you can't be socially and politically aware while protecting yourselves and others from this deadly virus? "Pointed threats/ They bluff with scorn/Suicide remarks are torn/From the fools gold mouthpiece/The hollow horn plays wasted words." Dylan's clearly singing about the Centers for Disease Control buckling to the pressures of the World Health Organization here - when will you people wake up?
"Freebird," Lynyrd Skynyrd (9:07)
The only problem with this one is you'll need a third hand with which to hold up your lighter.