Last week, the Press's Margaret Downing, in Detroit for the Association of Alternative Newsmedia convention, took in a Tigers game at Comerica Park.
She brought a souvenir back to the office: A full-color, 60-page "A-Z Guest Guide," which basically breaks down how to be a fan in verbose and silly language.
"Standing or stepping on ballpark seats may lead to serious bodily injury," the guide reads under the Ballpark Seats section. "The Detroit Tigers request, for your safety and the other ballpark guests' safety, that you do not step, climb over, stand or use seats in a manner other than intended at Comerica Park."
Gosh! Who knew stadium seats were so dangerous!
There's also a general safety warning: "During all pregame practices/activities, through the game and post-game experience, hard hit baseballs and bats and fragments thereof may be thrown or hit into the stands, concourses and concessions areas."
Man, baseball is such a wild sport! We better bring some body armor to the next contest!
Now that we have a firm grasp of the Tigers' rules and regulations, here are some suggested rules for a number of other Major League Baseball stadiums.
Texas Rangers Ballpark in Arlington If you're an "adult," don't give a baseball to a crying child.
Chicago Cubs' Wrigley Field Don't actually watch the game, especially if you're a Wrigleyville dweller who only catches the game from the sixth to eighth innings. Also, don't show up sober.
Chicago White Sox' U.S. Cellular Field Don't show up sober. Never say "no" when challenged to a fistfight in the outfield bleachers.
Arizona Diamondbacks' Chase Field Don't know anything about baseball. Even in a close game, leave in the seventh inning.
Tampa Bay's Tropicana Field and Miami's Marlins Park Don't be alive. If you're conscious, act like you're at an opera or a funeral.
New York Yankees Stadium Don't act human. Chuck batteries at the opponents and hurl beer and obscenities at the family section of the visiting team.
Houston Astros' Minute Maid Park Don't come here. If you do, be sure as hell you're not seen because only losers follow losers.