Every hero has his setbacks. Nothing is forever, and no story is just a perpetual arrow pointing upward, with puppy dogs and gumdrops (or, in this case, bikini-clad coeds and Jell-O shots) 24 by 7.
Rocky had to get his brains splattered by Clubber Lang one time, Luke Skywalker had to get his hand chopped off by Darth Vader (Happy fucking Father's Day!), and even Arnold wound up in the bicycle shop with Mr. Carlson for a little while on Diff'rent Strokes before getting the hell out of there. (Dudley wasn't so lucky.)
This weekend, it would appear at least (details are a tad sketchy), we hit our first pothole in the cavalcade of Patron, tail, golf and bay fishing that is the Summer of Johnny.
It started with this tweet:
Don't ever forget that I love A&M with all of my heart, but please please walk a day in my shoes
— Johnny Manziel (@JManziel2) June 16, 2013
My response to this tweet:
Walk a day in your shoes?
As best I can tell in cobbling together a rough schedule from his Twitter, Instagram and Vine accounts, here is what an agenda of a day in Johnny Manziel's shoes looks like:
6:57 a.m. Wake up 7:00 a.m. Golf at [fill in name of exclusive private course here] 12:01 p.m. Beach 12:03 p.m. BODY SHOTS! 12:06 p.m. BODY SHOTS! 12:14 p.m. BODY SHOTS! 12:21 p.m. BODY SHOTS! 12:24 p.m. BODY SHOTS! 12:31 p.m. BODY SHOTS! 12:34 p.m. BODY SHOTS! 12:42 p.m. BODY SHOTS! 12:48 p.m. BODY SHOTS! 12:51 p.m. BODY SHOTS! 12:59 p.m. BODY SHOTS! 4:15 p.m. Country music video 5:30 p.m. Shower (and depending on with whom...um, BODY SHOTS!) 7:05 p.m. Courtside, bitches! 10:30 p.m. Lots and lots of free shit...free food, free booze, free poon, just...FREE! 1:30 a.m. Use the right arm of the Heisman as a sex toy
I guess what I'm asking, Johnny, is, "Are you taking reservations for that walk in your shoes?" because if you are, I'm guessing that I have to just keep pounding redial until I get through to your reservation specialist. Unless there's something awful going on in Johnny's life that somehow hasn't drifted into the 24-hour news cycle that follows him around in perpetuity, I'm going to guess that the list of people who would trade a thousand days of their own to walk one day in Johnny Manziel's shoes looks like this:
1. Every heterosexual male
At this point in our saga, we are still not sure what set our
possibly booze addled hero off, but it apparently got worse.
Later that night, 1:38 a.m. (in whatever time zone this screen cap took place), Johnny posted this tweet, which has since been deleted, but you can see at the top of this post. Now, let's start with a couple things:
1. I've never lived in College Station. I've been there a handful of times, and admittedly have never once had a bad time, but that's because a) I've always gone for sporting events, b) I'm hammered from virtually the first 30 minutes after I've arrived, and c) more often than not, I am experiencing the College Station life with TexAgs.com founder Billy Liucci as my tour guide, which is a little like strolling around north Jersey with Tony Soprano. That said, the consensus from those who do live or have lived in College Station is that the goal (unless you're Billy Liucci) is to get the fuck out of there in the shortest amount of time possible.
2. When I first saw that this tweet had existed (around 8 a.m. Sunday morning), I was getting it on manual retweets from Aggies and non-Aggies on my Twitter timeline, and by the time it made it to me, someone had truncated the "station" off of "college station" and made it look like Johnny couldn't wait to leave "college." Naturally, this made me appear to be a rabble-rouser in the eyes of many Aggies, as if I was trying to somehow shove Johnny out the door of his
online higher education experience. While that couldn't be further from the truth, it is worth pointing out, Ags, that for Johnny's purposes, leaving "college" and leaving "college station" essentially mean the same thing.
Bottom line: Can Johnny Manziel just announce he's entering the 2014 NFL Draft now and get it over with?
So the mystery of last night endures. What set Johnny Football off? Was it some hassle from the local police? Was it pesky autograph seekers outside his house? Did the donkeys working the McDonald's drive-through fuck up his order? Was he bored? Did the cable go out?
At this point, we don't know. All we know is that Johnny Manziel appeared to have a bad night.
And considering the year he's had so far in 2013, that qualifies as news.
Listen to Sean Pendergast on 1560 Yahoo! Sports Radio from 3 p.m. to 7 p.m. weekdays and nationally on the Yahoo! Sports Radio network Saturdays from 10 a.m. to noon CST. Also, follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/SeanCablinasian.
Keep the Houston Press Free... Since we started the Houston Press, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Houston, and we would like to keep it that way. Offering our readers free access to incisive coverage of local news, food and culture. Producing stories on everything from political scandals to the hottest new bands, with gutsy reporting, stylish writing, and staffers who've won everything from the Society of Professional Journalists' Sigma Delta Chi feature-writing award to the Casey Medal for Meritorious Journalism. But with local journalism's existence under siege and advertising revenue setbacks having a larger impact, it is important now more than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" membership program, allowing us to keep covering Houston with no paywalls.