Summer of Johnny: Mark May Is the Worst

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Let me preface this post by saying that I don't know Johnny Manziel personally, but from what I know of him, I like Johnny Manziel.

I know the same things about Johnny Manziel that most of you know. I know everything that he tweets, Vines and puts up on Instagram. I know the secondhand accounts that people who come within 100 yards of him tweet, Vine and put up on Instagram.

That's about it.

I know more about Johnny Manziel than I ever would have known if he played college football as recently as five years ago, and from what I know, I definitely think 20-year-old Sean would have liked 20-year-old Johnny.

So the carousing, the boozing, the pro player jock sniffing, the pooning, the drunken "woe is me" tweeting, I have no problem with these things. These are all things I did or probably would have done at age 20 had I had access to them. Most of us would have. And for that, I not only don't begrudge, but I like Johnny Manziel.

Deep down, I, we, a lot of us at least, are probably jealous of him.

Now, if Johnny wants to damage his draft stock in the process by getting sent home from the Manning Passing Academy, that's his business. I was 20 once, and trust me, 20-year-old Sean preaching at 20-year-old Johnny would be hypocritical at best.

Mark May, apparently, doesn't see this the same way as I do.

The former Outland Trophy winner at Pitt, former offensive lineman for the Washington Redskins, now turned oft-mocked, lazy narrative-spewing screamer for ESPN's college football coverage is not a fan of Johnny Manziel. He intimated as much in a tweet on Monday after Manziel's latest booze-fueled foibles in Thibodeaux over the weekend:

Wow, what a preachy cock.

Many of us sit back and assess what Johnny's actions mean to his future, and that's completely fair. Assessing is completely fair.

Within the context of A&M's upcoming season or the draft next April, how Johnny's off-season, his addiction to social media and his love for mixed drinks affect those things is a reasonable blog or sports radio topic, no different from his 40 time or his ability to read a disguised blitz. They are all baked into the "Johnny Football" profile, his profile as a player and as a leader.

Of course, May, a voice of reason to an audience of one (and that only when he's gazing longingly at his lips moving in the mirror), can't stop there. No, May is judge, jury and apparently the head of the "wake up call" committee, and he deemed from on high that it was time to bring the nukes. Yep, he brought ALL CAPS on Twitter!


My rendition of Mark May in the previous sentence is clearly a paraphrase as it is bereft of mangled sentence structure and includes proper punctuation (and by "proper" I mean "any").

But wait, there's more! After May's over-moralizing scud detonated somewhere in the middle of the drool on his QWERTY keyboard, he learns the hard way that shenanigans that happened before the Internet age actually continue to exist in record on the Internet.

Whoa, mind blown...huh, May Day?

Come to find out that Mark May knows a little something about BRINGING SHAME TO THE GAME!! He also knows a little something about inciting a riot, making terroristic threats, criminal mischief, disorderly conduct, and resisting arrest. As it turns out, in a January 1979 incident, when he was the same age Manziel is right now, May was picked up for all of those things as a sophomore at Pitt. (Well, that is to say, he was picked up for them once the cops were able to drag him off of the hood of whichever car he had climbed atop and was stomping on at the time.)

As it turns out, May Day stockpiled more charges in one arrest than Manziel has in his entire life. Easily.

But wait, there's more!

Apparently, the age at which said "wake up calls" were doled out differed drastically in the 80's from today, because how else could you explain a right thinking bastion of RESPECT FOR THE GAME like Mark May picking up not one, but two DUI's as a member of the Washington Redskins?

Inciting a riot, resisting arrest, threats, multiple DUI's for the guy who thinks that Johnny Manziel's hangover at the Manning Passing Academy is going to somehow sully the game of football.

That's rich.

If the NFL Retired Players are looking for any more lock cinch test cases for detrimental concussion effects to bolster their case against the NFL, may I suggest they send a doctor over to Bristol, Connecticut, around the last week of August sometime later this summer?

Eventually, word got back to May that despite its rise to prominence in the early '90s, the Internet actually is home to information that took place before 1993, and he was forced to respond to the deluge of tweets from Aggies and lucid thinkers everywhere about his multiple arrests. Here's what we got:

Those six simple words pretty much sum up perfectly why Mark May is the worst. The worst analyst, the worst wordsmith, the worst punctuator, the worst kind of judgmental soul allowed a voice on a platform that matters.

He doesn't preface his Manziel judgment with "As someone who got into some trouble when I was his age and regrets it," which would have been acceptable, not to mention accountable. Instead, May sits down at his keyboard, loads his Twitter bullet chamber, puts on his self-awarded, fictitious "King of Moral Code" crown, consults with his "SHAME TO THE GAME" committee of one (himself), and determines that Johnny Manziel must heed his cry.

Johnny Manziel, you are bad, because I, Mark May, dipshit with a microphone and four hours of air time on autumn weekends, deem it so.

And then Mark May is exposed, exposed for the self-righteous prick that he is.

And then, backed into a corner, he realizes in a cold sweat that he is in the mouth-breathing 2 percent of Internet users who forgot you could pull old articles from the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette in 1979.

And then Mark May goes all "Mark May," retrofitting his sanctimonious ALL CAPS bullshit tweet into some sort of 140-character instructional sermon based on "his own personal experience."

So in one fell swoop, Mark May went from espousing that Manziel can't get in any more trouble to May's own trouble being the cover charge that actually allows him to preach to Manziel. This constitutes "logic" in Mark May's warped little corner of the college football world. It's pretty disgusting.

Mark May, you are the height of hypocrisy, the epitome of stupidity and the laziest kind of contrarian television screamer.

Seriously, and I think I speak on behalf of my Aggie friends and television viewers with an IQ over 80 everywhere...fuck you, Mark May.

(Oh, and see that thing separating "fuck you" and your name, Mark? That's a comma. You might want to learn how to use those. Stop bringing shame to the literacy game.)

Listen to Sean Pendergast on 1560 Yahoo! Sports Radio from 3 p.m. to 7 p.m. weekdays and nationally on the Yahoo! Sports Radio network Saturdays from 10 a.m. to noon CST. Also, follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/SeanCablinasian.

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