Swine Flu Death In Mystery Hospital

The first case of a death from swine flu has been reported -- and it's here in Houston.

Of course, it's not exactly a Houstonian who, say, was attending an elementary school in HISD. It was an infant, born in Mexico, who got sick in Brownsville and was transported to Houston and died in a hospital here. Very, very sad, and thoughts go out to the family.

Which hospital did this happen in? Kathy Barton, spokesperson of the city's Health and Human Services department, isn't saying.

Which, knowing Houstonians, probably makes a lot of sense.

What would the response be if the hospital were named?

1. The Minutemen would immediately set up pickets outside, demanding all brown-skinned people who cough be deported. Preferably in packed buses with little ventilation.

2. Traffic within a 20-block radius of the hospital would suddenly be very, very clear.

3. TV reporters doing stand-ups three blocks away from the hospital will be wearing masks.

4. Local meteorologists would suddenly devote big chunks of their forecasts to wind direction and intensity, telling people that of course just because there's a big arrow pointing from the hospital to their neighborhood there's no reason to worry.

5. Then the wind will shift, the arrow will be pointing to the station, and the meteorologist will immediately put on a mask, still saying there's nothing to worry about.

6. Employees of that hospital -- even those who work, say, in the patient-billing area -- will see who their real friends are. And not be happy with the results. Those playdates this weekend? Sorry, we had to cancel.

7. Owners of businesses within 10 blocks of the facility will somehow believe that they can convince customers to return by pleading their case to reporters wearing masks.

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