Ted Cruz Is Writing a Memoir: Ways He Can Make It Even More Awesome

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It's finally happening! After all his time in Washington D.C. (he's been there almost two whole years now, folks) Sen. Ted Cruz is finally going to put pen to paper and write about his own oh-so-personal experiences fighting the good fight against pretty much everything that might get him media coverage in D.C.

As one would expect, a bidding war erupted between publishing houses when Cruz started shopping this whole thing around. Totally makes sense. After all, who wouldn't want the privilege of ushering what is sure to be a best-seller literary masterpiece into the world? For a cool $1.5 million HarperCollins has ensured that the honor will be all theirs. Now, Cruz (or, you know, his ghost writer) just has to find time in his busy schedule of lecturing his own party to make the memoir a reality. We, thoughtful and eager future readers that we are, have a few suggestions on what he should include:

5. Canadian Ted. Yes, we know that Cruz has already disavowed his technical Canadian citizenship repeatedly during that slow news cycle last August, but he hasn't actually gotten around to formally renouncing his actual Canadian citizenship. We would like the Cruz memoir to include an alternate reality chapter on Canadian Cruz. What would he have been like if his parents had chosen to raise him in Canada instead of the United States? What would the United States have been like? Also, we want proof at the end of the section that Cruz is definitely for sure not Canadian. And maybe a connect-the-dot puzzle that will allow us to conclude for sure he isn't anything but as American as apple pie. After all, most politicians who write memoirs at this point in their careers tend to end up making a run at the White House. If the book settles that whole Canadian question now, life will be easier for everyone.

4. Cruz-in to the Top. This is the title of the book. End of story. It speaks for itself and it makes us giggle. Everybody wins. End of story.

3. That time he went all Seussian in a non-filibuster on the Senate floor. We've watched the video a million times and then when we got bored with that we watched it the psychedlic art version of the video. Last fall, Cruz staged a fake filibuster to protest Obamacare and then he pulled out Green Eggs and Ham and started reading it aloud. These are known things, but we want a Cruz-eye view of what it was actually like. If whoever writes this thing can please tell why he chose Dr. Seuss and what he was thinking and feeling as those words of dislike and intolerance of jealousy-hued eggs and pork rolled off his tongue, we guarantee we'll read this whole book looking for that one section. Otherwise, it'll run the risk of being a doorstopper, and that's not how one gets elected president, we're pretty sure. Maybe.

2. Dog stories. You love dog stories. We love dog stories. Who -- aside from cats -- doesn't love a dog story? Cruz has managed to piss off everyone on the opposite side of the aisle and an impressive portion of his own party as well. Instead of an entire book full of stories of Cruz defying stuff and sitting around on the Senate floor ignored by most of his fellow senators and dodging spitballs, he should throw in a dog. If he doesn't actually have a dog -- or if his own dog also isn't speaking to him over some internal politics and that time Cruz accused said dog of peeing on the floor when the dog totally saw Cruz do it -- then by all means he can make up a best dog friend. They could have conversations and drink tea. They could open each chapter. We think this will tip the scales from blah political blahbity-blah to something special. And when we in the media figure out that he wasn't really talking to the dog, Cruz will get his name in the papers again. Everybody wins!

1. A coloring section. The Really Big Coloring Book Company brought out a Cruz coloring book last year, and we loved it, so we are absolutely certain this book will be even more all things awesome if Cruz and company throw in a little entertainment for when we need to step away and stop reading all about his overall human greatness and the lengthy list of stuff he's done since getting himself elected to political office in 2012. Plus -- and we hope the ghost writer is listening -- coloring books are an excellent way to, you know, add to the page count. Not that he'll need it. Cruz has gotten so much done since getting to Washington. But just in case, a coloring book can fill a lot of pages.

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