According to reports, there was a spate of vandalism over the weekend out in the Willowbrook area. Car windows were smashed, things were spray-painted and general breaking of things happened. And apparently it was the work of the Big Red Gangstas. No one yet knows if this is an actual gang or just a bunch of kids with cinnamon-fresh breath, but it got us to thinking about the fact that this sounds like one of the least scary gang names of all time.
And while we're at it, what other chewing gums could be used as the inspiration for gang-related activities and general tomfoolery? Sure, the Icy Hot Stutaz sounds like a taste explosion, but it's really just a bunch of kids who pimp their cheap foreign cars and wear too much Day-Glo.
So, for you would-be minor mafiosos out there, here are some options if you think gum should be your trademark.
Big League Crew
With a gang named after a gateway gum to chewing tobacco, no fools will dare mess with you and your sugar-rotten teeth.
Juicy Fruit Murder Posse
Let's be honest, the name Juicy Fruit doesn't exactly inspire fear in anyone, but add Murder Posse to the end and you have a deliciously terrifying name.
Doublemint Twin Terrors
Now, if you could get this gang to be populated only with identical twins, that shit would be scary. It would be like holographic projections, but for real, yo.
Either a killer all-girl street gang or roller-derby team. Boom goes the dynamite!
Because Dentyne really is killa. No, seriously, it's tasty.
Eclipse Yo Life Squad
Eclipse is all about defeating bad breath. The Eclipse Yo Life Squad is all about poppin' caps in fools who don't recognize.
Hubba Bubba Suckas
I recommend that all members wear suits from the 1940s and talk in rapid-fire reporter speak like in old movies. "Say, son, you got moxie, I'll give ya that." Nothing sounds as crazy as old-school gangster speak.
Get it. They are so bad, they smoke while chewing gum that reduces the craving for nicotine. Disturbing.
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SHOW ME HOW
The hope here is that all members will be armed with the ancient three-pronged spear like Brick Tamblin in Anchorman.
It may sound like a young-women's book club, but it's really a bunch of badass biker babes who like the taste of blood...and 50 Shades of Grey.