- Local
- Community
- Journalism
Support the independent voice of Houston and help keep the future of Houston Press free.
According to reports, there was a spate of vandalism over the weekend out in the Willowbrook area. Car windows were smashed, things were spray-painted and general breaking of things happened. And apparently it was the work of the Big Red Gangstas. No one yet knows if this is an actual gang or just a bunch of kids with cinnamon-fresh breath, but it got us to thinking about the fact that this sounds like one of the least scary gang names of all time.
And while we're at it, what other chewing gums could be used as the inspiration for gang-related activities and general tomfoolery? Sure, the Icy Hot Stutaz sounds like a taste explosion, but it's really just a bunch of kids who pimp their cheap foreign cars and wear too much Day-Glo.
So, for you would-be minor mafiosos out there, here are some options if you think gum should be your trademark.
Big League Crew
With a gang named after a gateway gum to chewing tobacco, no fools will dare mess with you and your sugar-rotten teeth.
Juicy Fruit Murder Posse
Let's be honest, the name Juicy Fruit doesn't exactly inspire fear in anyone, but add Murder Posse to the end and you have a deliciously terrifying name.
Doublemint Twin Terrors
Now, if you could get this gang to be populated only with identical twins, that shit would be scary. It would be like holographic projections, but for real, yo.
Bazooka Bitches
Either a killer all-girl street gang or roller-derby team. Boom goes the dynamite!
Dentyne Killas
Because Dentyne really is killa. No, seriously, it's tasty.
Eclipse Yo Life Squad
Eclipse is all about defeating bad breath. The Eclipse Yo Life Squad is all about poppin' caps in fools who don't recognize.
Hubba Bubba Suckas
I recommend that all members wear suits from the 1940s and talk in rapid-fire reporter speak like in old movies. "Say, son, you got moxie, I'll give ya that." Nothing sounds as crazy as old-school gangster speak.
Nicorette Smokers
Get it. They are so bad, they smoke while chewing gum that reduces the craving for nicotine. Disturbing.
Tridents
The hope here is that all members will be armed with the ancient three-pronged spear like Brick Tamblin in Anchorman.
The Chiclets
It may sound like a young-women's book club, but it's really a bunch of badass biker babes who like the taste of blood...and 50 Shades of Grey.
Keep the Houston Press Free... Since we started the Houston Press, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Houston, and we would like to keep it that way. Offering our readers free access to incisive coverage of local news, food and culture. Producing stories on everything from political scandals to the hottest new bands, with gutsy reporting, stylish writing, and staffers who've won everything from the Society of Professional Journalists' Sigma Delta Chi feature-writing award to the Casey Medal for Meritorious Journalism. But with local journalism's existence under siege and advertising revenue setbacks having a larger impact, it is important now more than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" membership program, allowing us to keep covering Houston with no paywalls.
