So let me get this straight. There are people out there who seriously think I’m supposed to vote for a person who would name her children after a sport (Track), the location of ESPN (Bristol), a lesbian witch (Willow
), an airplane (Piper
), and a form of math (Trig)?
Okay, in fairness, I don’t know if those are the reasons behind the names of the Palin kids, but that’s what I think of.
And now vice-presidential wannabe and so-called world’s greatest hockey mom Sarah Palin has announced that if there is a sixth Palin child, the name would be Zamboni.
Zamboni, we here at Ballz have learned, wasn’t exactly Governor Palin’s first choice of hockey names, but it was felt to be the most accessible to the public. And now, for the first time, we present the rejected hockey names for the sixth Palin child.
10. Blue Line: They thought about naming him after the blue line on the playing ice, but this was rejected because it was felt people would think this meant he was a liberal.
9. Montreal: She wanted to name a child after one of the Original Six NHL teams, but didn’t want people thinking her son was foreign.
8. Wraparound: This goal scoring move was rejected because it sounded like some perverted sexual position.
7. Five Hole: Since this refers to the space between the goalie’s legs, the family felt that people might think this meant the boy was gay.
6. Blade: They didn’t want anyone thinking their son was an unpatriotic tax dodger like that Wesley Snipes.
5. PIM (Penalties In Minutes): This was too exotic even for the Palins.
4. Slap Shot: The family likes the movie, but then again, Paul Newman was a pinko-commie, so that eliminated the name.
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3. Gretzky: They wanted to name him after the greatest hockey player ever, but Wayne Gretzky being a Canadian ruined that idea.
2. Brooks: This would have been in memory to the great hockey coach Herb Brooks, but this sounded just too damn normal for the Palins.
1. Puck: This was considered as the ultimate hockey name, but then it was discovered that Puck was also the name of a Shakespeare character, so the name was rejected for being too elite sounding.
-- John Royal