Texans & The Cowboys: A Five-Point Scientific Comparison

Kickoff for the big Texans-Cowboys game (aka "Wade Phillips Farewell") is drawing nigh.

We will have analysis from our sports guys today and tomorrow. We have already had the utter lameness of "trash talk" between the mayors. (What does this even mean, from KTRK: "It gives me a much better feeling to have a winning team that's backing me, as is a losing team that's backing him," said Mayor [Annise] Parker.)

What is needed now is a calm, reasoned, scientifically researched study on the key differences between the two teams.

We are ready to offer it.

5. Fan Base
Obnoxious blowhards who seem utterly blind to the fact their team has stunk for years and years.
Texans: Salt of the earth Real Americans who know their team has stunk for years and years.

4. Quarterbacks
Tony Romo, who would rather have sex with Jessica Simpson than participate in a dreary, pointless end-of-season practice.
Texans: Matt Schaub, who probably feels the same way but never had the opportunity to put it to the test.

3. Drug of choice:
Depending on the era, weed, crack or powder cocaine.
Texans: Performance-enhancing drugs that are ingested either by innocent mistake or to combat vicious tumors attacking your body.

2. Coach
Wade Phillips, for the moment. No one is quite sure why he still has the job.
Texans: Gary Kubiak, for the moment. If the Texans don't make the playoffs this year, everyone will be quite sure why he doesn't have a job.

1. Stadiums
An utterly overbuilt, garish airplane hangar of a place that is essentially the world's most expensive sports bar, as fans pay a hefty cover charge and drink high-priced beers in order to watch the game on a hi-def big-screen TV.
Texans: A perfectly fine facility that has definitively proven that opening the roof to intimidate the black-clad Steelers is an awful, awful idea.

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