Rare is the Texans home game that I am not in attendance in person at Reliant Stadium.
In seven seasons of covering the team, I can count on one hand how many games I've missed and had to watch on television instead, and I believe the most recent one was the Texans' 43-13 win over what eventually became the 2012 Super Bowl champion Baltimore Ravens.
It just so happens that game is known by Texans fans for two things:
1. It was the last time the Texans accomplished anything close to a "signature" win. Yes, later in the 2012 season, they defeated a 7-1 Bears team in Chicago and an eventual playoff team at home in the Colts, but that Week 7 game in 2012 against Flacco and Co. was a swift, thorough ass kicking. That Baltimore eventually won the Super Bowl tends to strengthen the narrative around that win, which may be a form of revisionist history, but hey, up to that point, the Texans had never beaten the Ravens ever. So it was something.
2. That Baltimore game was probably the one where CBS commentator Dan Dierdorf got moved from the "announcer we dislike because he makes mistakes and because hating announcers is an American pastime" list to the "Texans Public Enemy" list, mostly because amid a 30-point Texans blowout, Dierdorf could not stop slurping Baltimore outside linebacker Terrell Suggs, who was returning from an Achilles tear that afternoon. While the Texans piled on touchdown after touchdown in building a 29-3 halftime lead, Dierdorf was painting Suggs's admittedly gutsy performance like it was "Kellen Winslow being carried off the field in Miami" reincarnate.
From that day on, every Texans game that involved Dierdorf in the broadcast booth became a firestorm of anger, and Twitter for those three hours degenerated into a sea of mustache, lisp and "sex with Terrell Suggs" jokes (a degeneration that, to be clear, was not necessarily a bad thing).
Well, as of Wednesday morning, Texans fans have one less mustache to kick around on Twitter. It was announced by CBS that after 30 years, Dan Dierdorf will be retiring from broadcasting at season's end.
When they're not busy killing Dierdorf for liberal replay interpretations or mistaking him for Alex Karras, fans should be remembering that Dan Dierdorf was a great football player for many years for the old St. Louis Cardinals franchise, a Hall of Famer and six-time All Pro.
But alas, it's more fun to rejoice in his retirement from broadcasting. I get it. So I'll feed the beast. Here is a sampling of Twitter's reaction to Dan Dierdorf's announcement yesterday:
Actually, in the spirit of respect and fair time, there were people on Twitter who were respectful and expressed legitimate sorrow that their Sundays would now be Dorf-less moving forward.
Here are both of those people:
Sad to hear after 43 years in broadcasting Dan Dierdorf is hanging up the Mic at the end of the year. He's been one of the best in the Biz.
— Warpaint Illustrated (@ChiefsInsider) November 20, 2013
Dan Dierdorf retiring. His Dierdorf & Hart restaurant was the best steak I've ever eaten.
— Stress Judo Coaching (@stressjudo) November 20, 2013
That's it for that.
Other than these two people, one of whom was more complimentary about Dierdorf's restaurant than his announcing chops, everyone else on Twitter celebrated. EVERY. OTHER. PERSON. (Ok, that may be an estimate.)
The celebrations took on all shapes, sizes, and category of insult.
If you were ranking them based on frequency, the winning category in a landslide was a thanking of God for moving Dierdorf to finally call it a career....because this is God's most important job right now, or something:
Dan Dierdorf is retiring? there is a GAWD
— Tyranny of Evil Men (@RudeQue) November 20, 2013
— Danny Muscarella (@dannymusc) November 20, 2013
Along those religious lines, there were plenty of people who saw Dierdorf's retirement as an early miracle of the holiday season, a broadcasting Festivus miracle of sorts:
I'm thankful that Dan Dierdorf is retiring from broadcasting at the end of this season. Thanksgiving came early this year!
— Andrew (@YaDone_Son) November 20, 2013
Thank you cbs for the early Christmas present. Dan Dierdorf is retiring. It's exactly what I wanted this year!
— flyskimmy (@flyskimmy) November 20, 2013
There was the melding of the Dierdorf announcement with the Tim McCarver retirement announcement earlier this fall. For those unfamiliar, McCarver is kind of the Dierdorf of baseball broadcasting:
What a great year for broadcasting, losing both Dan Dierdorf and Tim McCarver.
— Sixto Lezcano (@mleif) November 20, 2013
...along with hope that Dierdorf wouldn't be the last retirement of the year:
Not shedding any tears about Dan Dierdorf's retirement from broadcasting. But the real coup would be getting Phil Simms off the air.
— Brian Libby (@brianlibby) November 20, 2013
...and even some recommendations on who should replace Dierdorf:
@RizzWrites If Rob Leary doesn't announce that Emmit Smith will take over for Dan Dierdorf, then why does twitter exist?
— Noah DuPont (@noahsadork) November 20, 2013
There was name calling. DICKDORF!!
Dan Dierdorf is retiring from announcing football the only thing this means to me is I won't get to hear my dad yell shut up Dickdorf
— James (@Mussallem) November 20, 2013
There were mustache jokes:
Dan Dierdorf is retiring, leaving Matt Millen as King of Befuddled Chortling Mustache Acres.
— Spencer Hall (@edsbs) November 20, 2013
Throughout his career, did Dan Dierdorf try to pass off obvious statements as actual analysis from time to time? Sure, who in our business hasn't?
@jeffpearlman dierdorf repeatedly makes comments that are either obvious or idiotic. You can't watch much of him if his work impresses you
— Will Hill (@weelheel) November 20, 2013
With Dan Dierdorf's retirement who will continue using tired sports cliche "You think A.J. Green doesn't want to win this game?!"
— Ben Maller (@benmaller) November 20, 2013
Did he butcher rules interpretations from time to time? Well, ALL the time? Absolutely.
Dan Dierdorf will spend his retirement incorrectly explaining shuffleboard rules
— Bobby Big Wheel (@BobbyBigWheel) November 20, 2013
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But in the end, let's try and think of the kids here. For now, one of the NFL's super couples will be no more:
WHO WILL FAWN OVER TERRELL SUGGS IF DAN DIERDORF RETIRES????
— j_cynic (@j_cynic) November 20, 2013
R.I.P. Derrell Suggsdorf (or Tan Diersuggs....whatever)
Listen to Sean Pendergast on 1560 Yahoo! Sports Radio from 3 p.m. to 7 p.m. weekdays and nationally on the Yahoo! Sports Radio network Saturdays from 11 a.m. to 1 p.m. CST. Also, follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/SeanCablinasian.